The Quotable King of Late Night

"Get yourself into situations where you have nothing to lose. Make an ass of yourself and screw things up. The worst thing that can happen is that they can fire you, or you could go to jail."

"I don't really have a self-effacing personality, but I think my attitude has a lot to do with being Catholic and living with the idea that `This will all be taken away soon.' Thanks, Jesus!"

"A lot of celebrities come across like they're better than everyone else. I'm not really like that. I looked into acting like
I was better then everybody, but then
I realized, hey, I'm not. If I was I'd be a dick about it."

"Stories about me in the press are always really lame. There was one--
I'm not making this up--that said, `Conan O'Brien doesn't wash his hands
after going to the bathroom.' That one was great."

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