Pierson

Now, I know what you all are thinking to yourselves: "This guy is full of crap--we kick Pierson's ass at such-and-such sport all the time." TD must think they're hot because they bring out six million guys even for ping pong, Calhoun probably thinks they're the best because their entryways are filled with athletes galore, and even Saybrook probably feels somewhat high and mighty, what with the immortal Pete Sung '99 behind them. I say screw that. No matter how many more points you have than Pierson, no matter how many times you think you've "beat us," you are wrong. None of you have ever actually defeated a Pierson team.

I say this because I know we're better than everyone else. Go on, pick a sport--we will get together a team that kicks the crap out of yours. The only reason we ever lose our IM games is because we just don't care whether we win or not. We go out and have fun. For instance, without even trying we've been coed soccer champs for the past two years. Softball: I swear we're already the best team out there and on our way to winning the shirts this year, simply because we show up and smack a few balls around. Same with baseball.

As far as volleyball is concerned, we don't even field a team because we realize we would just dominate if we did. Or do I have to remind everyone of Pierson's volleyball glory from years past? Our golf team went out and smacked around a few, playing the entire nine-hole round with only a three-iron to make it somewhat fair and at least kind of amusing for ourselves. Our Ultimate team is exactly that, and our billiards team can definitely put those balls where they belong. But why should we when it apparently gives the rest of you Tyng-obsessed jokers some sort of orgasmic joy? If you ever want to challenge us, I say bring it on--we'll kick your ass.

I can hear y'all in the background whining about how I'm full of it and how you beat us all the time. Perhaps you do, but we figure, why waste our athletic talents on the likes of you guys? We find it much easier just to play around with you and keep it fun while the rest of you work your butts off, all the while letting you think you're accomplishing some great feat. I say, hey, go for it. Conquer the IM world and pat yourselves on the back for a competitive job well done, and let your names be written somewhere so that someone will remember them. In the meantime we'll sit back and look at you from our comfy position, laughing, with beers in our hands and smiles on our faces.

(Complied by the Mexican Guest Writer.)

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