Smack Zone

Ax

Last week I bet $12,000 total and only made $240, which just goes to show that I make bets that I'm not sure I will win, unlike a certain co-editor whose name rhymes with "whorish." Say hi to Heller, our guest, whose baseball team sucks more than Goldenberg's mom after a stiff drink. Softball sweeps this weekend ($1,500 each). Men's and women's tennis destroy Columbia and Cornell ($1,000 each), while men's lax takes Towson State to town ($1,000). Heavyweight crew beats Columbia and Penn ($2,500 each). Oh, and Alison once again bets like a pussy ($2,000). Last Week: +$240. Current Balance: $4,895.

Goldenberg

My candidacy for YCC prez did not go as planned. After a long, drawn-out write-in campaign, I still manage to lose to Donald Duck and Sumit De, which is too bad, 'cause I had great plans for this place. After forcing my co-editors to take the occasional shower (Italian if necessary), I was gonna take Mrs. Ax for the proverbial ride. Not that I can't always do the latter, but it's more fun when I have something to celebrate. On to picks. Both lacrosse teams and both tennis teams will win this week ($1,500 each), and $1,000 says that baseball and softball win a combined seven games this weekend. Last Week: +$6,000. Current Balance: $10,989.

Morris

It's Friday night, maybe Saturday, you're reading the Herald, and I'm not going to make one damn joke about it. Hi, I'm cool. I'm out on a Saturday night at Toad's in boot-cut black bootie pants trying to keep away the townies from Night at the Roxbury and drinking something hardcore like a Sea Breeze. Welcome to Yale, kids. Cool doesn't go here. I'm going to bet the baseball team wins at least two this week ($1,000). Sticking with the swingers, I'm gonna say softball is "so money and they don't even know it." They'll win this week, too ($1,000). And since baseball season is finally on in New York, I'm banking on four wins out of the Yankees ($2,500). So, put the paper down. I'll meet you on the booty cam at Toad's...don't be late. Last Week: +$2,495. Current Balance: $11,724.

Jason Heller, Guest

Fakers, poseurs, and blowhards--all three of you. You've been trying to keep me out of Smack for months, but I finally made the big time. Gimme my Yankees for five consecutive wins this week over Detroit and Texas ($2,000), and two smashed water coolers by Paul O'Neill ($10). In keeping with my From the Sidelines, the Piazza-less Mets will suck, and they'll lose at least twice against Montreal ($2,000). Another $1,000 says my fantasy baseball team axes the Ax's, and $1,000 also says the Yale Nine take at least one this weekend. Ax, Dave, and Al--you're all fired (Free). Last Week: +$80. Current Balance: -$701.40. Jason Heller is Managing Editor of the Herald, and he won Pick the Pros this week. If you don't play Pick the Pros (www.yaleherald.com) this week, you're fired, too.

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