A Subway Series of suck

(The Mets)

The New York Mets suck. Subway Series in '99? Gimme a break. The chances of that are about as good as the chances of Bobby Valentine shutting up for five consecutive minutes. Everyone in their right mind knows the so-called "Amazin's" will be playing golf with their pals on the Montreal Expos when October rolls around and the mighty Yankees are taking the World Series from the Atlanta Braves in six games. How do those Mets suck? Let me count the ways.

1. Bobby Valentine. The man is a blabber-mouthed, meddling fool. While Joe Torre was over in the Bronx guiding the Yankees through '98 and somehow getting fiery personalities as disparate as Paul O'Neill, Darryl Strawberry, and David Wells to mesh, Bobby V. was embarrassing Todd Hundley, the Mets' most popular player at the time. After Hundley was traded to the Dodgers, he suggested—and he was probably right—that Valentine leaked rumors to the media that Hundley was a roaring drunk because he was jealous of Hundley's popularity. That's about as classy as Randy Johnson's hairdo.

2. The fans at Shea. Yankee fans may be loud and obnoxious, but at least they know their baseball—always cheering when Derek Jeter advances the runner on a groundout or when Chili Davis draws a boring ol' base on balls. When I went to a Mets-Phillies game as an eight-year-old in 1985, the drunken, smelly dude behind me screamed, "Daaaaarryl! Daaaaaarryl!" even when Strawberry wasn't at the plate, while banging a souvenir bat repeatedly against the railing. Smart man, that Darryl Strawberry, for coming around to George Steinbrenner's way of thinking.

3. Overrated players. Yeah, sure, the Mets have shortstop Rey Ordoñez. But does he really compare to Derek Jeter? Sure, everyone says smooth-handed Rey is a real lady-killer in the New York night scene, but Mariah Carey and all the 16-year-olds are screaming about a Yankee shortstop who's gonna win the AL MVP this year. And the Mets took two years to figure out that second baseman Carlos Baer-ga's hunger for a championship was nothing compared to his, well, hunger—250 lbs. and counting. What a "fat... toad" he must be!

4. All the dumb reasons Mets fans hate the Yankees. "George Steinbrenner's an ass." "Paul O'Neill's a whiner." "They make too much money." Or, my favorite, "They bought their World Series team." Bought? Let's see: Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Andy Pettitte, Bernie Williams, and Jorge Posada—current and potential All Stars—all came up through the Yankee farm system. Mr. Met will be watching them from his living room in October.

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