A Subway Series of suck

(The Yankees)

The New York Yankees suck. There. I said it, and it felt great. Now, why don't all you pinstriped poseurs jump off the Bronx bandwagon and give it a try?

Already I can hear the naysayers and their conformist outrage: "But the Yankees can't suck! They won the World Series! They're the Best Team in Baseball!"

Despicable. The horrible thing is that it's all true, except for the part about the World Series: they didn't win it, they dominated it. Wasn't it exciting? And they'll probably be extra fun to watch this year, now that Cy Young replaced David Wells as their No. 1 starter. Other reasons to avoid, if possible, their boogie-down bullshit:

1. Wells was the most colorful player on a boring, black-and-white team. In other words, he didn't resemble an automaton.

2. Despite the fact that Ramiro Mendoza pitches for them, the Yankees have managed to propagate the fallacy that they are a team with personality. Human interest stories. Win for Frank Torre! Win for Joe Torre! Win for Darryl Strawberry! Darryl Strawberry? When he was fading as a Met, he couldn't take his fists off his wife long enough to hit .250. Sure, El Duque was a human-interest story—but the tale of his dramatic defection from Cuba via life-raft was exactly that: a tale. You don't see Rey Ordoñez signing book deals about the shark he flogged to play for the Mets.

3. Chuck Knoblauch and Jeff Nelson look like Nazis.

4. Would you read a whodunit if you knew whodunit? The suspense in a Yankees-Tigers "contest" is not who will win but by how much. If you really want to count sheep until October, you might as well watch the Braves or vote for Strom Thurmond.

5. Rudy Giuliani is a fan. He is also, accor-ding to porn luminary Al Goldstein, a Nazi.

6. You want a team to fall in love with? Look no farther than Flushing. The Mets' 1969 Championship captured the heart of the Big Apple and earned them a reputation as lovable underdogs. Mets fans tore the field to pulp when they won their first pennant. Bomber fans, let's not forget from whence Cone and Strawberry came. And the '86 Fall Classic will remain one of the greatest Series in baseball history. Just like the '52 Series. No, wait, it was '53. Wait...

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