'Star Wars' sucks

I am your father

In the galaxy there are only three universal truths. First, life is short. Second, people are stupid. And third, with the exception of a scant few, sequels to good movies suck--hard. So, as George Lucas revels in the foregone prosperity of the most successful mistake anyone will ever make, the world anxiously awaits his blunder: the Star Wars prequel, Episode I-- The Phantom Menace.

This is a disaster disguised as a 6'4" Irish Jedi. Trying to top the original trilogy is a lot like Jesus following his famous blood-into-wine trick by changing mucus into a carton of Strawberry Quik. There's no doubt that it's an equally impressive feat, but certainly some schmuck in the back row would look around, raise his hand and yell, "What, that's it? You suck!" Well, George Lucas is bigger than Jesus--and we're all definitely bigger schmucks.

What has happened, then, is that the epic Star Wars mystique and current sci-fi technology have combined to create the most impossible of expectations. Nerds haven't played with themselves this much since Nintendo invented the Game Boy. In essence, we've seen everything and we know how every effect is done. Aliens blowing up the Empire State Building? Computers. Keanu Reeves' The Matrix? Computers. Dirk Diggler's 12-inch pepe? Hopefully computers.

The fact that we've been spoiled by special effects has not gone unnoticed by Lucas and Co; they're betting $115 million that we can't tell the difference between a digitally created Gungan and a child in a muppet suit. That certain characters in The Phantom Menace are completely computer-generated only adds to the nosy manner in which we will watch this movie. "Hey, did you see how that Ithorian pod racer anally probed Watto and Jar-Jar Binks? It was clearly fraudulent."

For those with few expectations, however, not to mention an entire new generation of Star Wars fanatics who know little in the ways of the Force, the prequels will certainly not disappoint. But for those galaxy freaks who still subscribe to the Mark Hamill Nose-Job-of-the-Month Club, their eyes and ears are in for a world of pain. Harvard-bound Natalie Portman is no 1977 Carrie Fisher and Ewan McGregor certainly isn't Sir Alec Guinness.

In casting seven-year-old Jake Lloyd (Schwarzenegger's kid in Jingle All the Way), Lucas has done nothing more than doom the young Anakin to child actor Hell, where he will likely meet Webster and the cast of Different Strokes. Kenny Baker (R2-D2) and Warwick Davis (Wicket the Ewok, now Anakin's Rodian friend Wald) return from the original trilogy, which once again proves my theory: the only roles for midgets in Hollywood outside of really bad porn are as characters in a Star Wars film.

Our only hope, then, lies with Jedi Masters Qui-Gon Jinn and Mace Windu, played by ex-Darkman Liam Neeson and Samuel L. Jackson, respectively. It is the daunting duty of these talented men to guide us through this intergalactic adventure, all the while distracting us from other "real" characters that look unimaginably fake. Bigger does not necessarily equal better, and just because you can do something with special effects doesn't mean that you should. Lucas could digitally recreate a robotic Elizabeth Hurley for all I care, but if it looks like a giant turd, I don't want to see it.

So, if you're not impressed with The Phantom Menace, remember, Jesus had some other pretty cool tricks up his sleeve (there was that whole body-into-bread deal, and the resurrection thing, too). Give Lucas some time, because when he's done counting your money, production will begin on another big mistake. Don't get me wrong--I can't wait to see this movie. But for those of you who decide that overanalyzing the prequel is the way to go, may the Force be with you...morons.

--Aaron Zamost

Top graphics by Sara Edward-Corbett. Center graphic courtesy Lucasfilm.

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