FROM THE SIDELINES - Only rejects are Mets fans

SHAWN CHENG/YH

Dear Aaron,

I am writing to let you know that we are unable to offer you admission to the New York Yankee Fan Club. I am sorry not to be sending better news. To a far greater extent than you can appreciate, those of us who read your application share in your disappointment. Every effort is made to ensure a thoughtful review of each of our applicants, but ultimately we must select from this talented group a class of 56,175 screaming, drunken imbeciles. Our decisions are not reached quickly or effortlessly and may involve many difficult choices. The final results simply reflect our best efforts.

We recognize your many accomplishments and appreciate the time and effort you put into completing your application. Given your extensive baseball knowledge, it may be difficult for you to understand why you were not admitted to our esteemed Fan Club. It is not practical to cite specific reasons for each of the decisions we have made, but we will anyway.

Because each application is considered not only individually but also within the context of all the other applications, we are forced to make certain generalizations that apply equally to everyone. To begin with, you're from Southern California. Both the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Anaheim Angels were out of playoff contention by mid-April, and neither team has demonstrated the winning tradition we Yankee fans are so accustomed to. We here at the Yankee Fan Club admissions office also commonly associate the character flaws of baseball teams with their fans. This means that you don't get along with the other members of your team, you work for Michael Eisner, and you traded away Mike Piazza. Shame on you.

Secondly, we offer a full health plan to each of our fans, including dental benefits. The New York Yankee health plan will insure you for cocaine use, alcohol use, prostitution, injuries incurred while dating Mariah Carey, and any physical abuse suffered at the hands of Darryl Strawberry. Sadly, our insurance company considers you to be too high a risk—we fear that the shock of rooting for a team that finished above .500 might send you plunging into a serious cardiac arrest.

Thirdly, we are unable to offer admission to anyone who does not live in a city that borders on Interstate 95 (this way, no one from Rhode Island can root for the Yankees either). In your personal statement, entitled "Dear God, please get me out of this athletic black hole known as Connecticut," you mentioned the difficulties that you had in choosing between the virtuous, heaven-sent Yankees and the satanically malevolent Red Sox. The three seconds of hesitation that you apparently experienced when making your decision between the House that Ruth Built and the House that Ruth Bailed only proves that you are not at this time sufficiently mature enough to join our ranks. Not to mention the fact that your father once lived in Boston, which means that you are, in fact, hereditarily evil.

Upon final review of your application, only one factor ultimately weighs in your favor—your banishment of Mo Vaughn to the American League West. However, we feel that this doesn't quite make up for ex-Dodger Pedro Martinez and the 1986 ALCS (see Dave Henderson). Oh, and we mustn't ever forget Angels in the Outfield.

I hope this information has been helpful to you in understanding the extraordinary challenge we face in selecting the entering class. Please accept our best wishes for success in pursuing a favorite baseball team. I am sure the team you choose to root for will benefit from your talent, energy, and enthusiasm. That is, unless you choose Baltimore,Tampa Bay, Minnesota, Detroit, Kansas City, Seattle, Philadelphia, Montreal, Los Angeles, Anaheim, Florida, Pittsburgh, St. Louis, Milwaukee, San Diego, Colorado, San Francisco, or any team in the Chicago area.

We appreciate your having had sufficient interest in the New York Yankees to apply for admission. Please try the New York Mets.

Sincerely,

George Costanza
Dean of Admissions

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