Smack Zone

Alas, it looks like I've blown all of my money in only two weeks. No Smack Zone contestant has ever lost it all this quickly. Fortunately, Moran and Randell are such pushovers that they're giving me $1,000 to use to get started again. Now the Horatio Alger story begins. My resurgence will be spurred on by the Nittany Lions who will vanquish the 'Canes at the Orange Bowl ($200). In the professional ranks, the Bears will take the Seahawks ($100). At the home office, Walland, Sarantos and company will knock off Brown ($100). How can I not come back to win? Moran thinks that the Rose Bowl is this week and Randell is putting money on Michigan. Last Week: -$4,999. Pity gift: $1,000. Current Balance: $601.

Moran

Last week was ugly—uglier, even, than Randell's boyfriend. I lost all my bets, and now my balance is about as low as Lichtig's G.P.A. I could increase my cash this week by making a Randell-esque bet on the Cubs—50 bucks says that Chicago doesn't win a pennant before the end of the millenium. In college football, I'll put my money on Miami over Paterno's boys ($300). On the home front, Eli football will take Brown by at least 10 ($500), with Walland throwing for no less than 150 yards ($100). Women's soccer will also send the Bears home without a win ($400). Last Week: -$950. Current Balance: $5,650.

Randell

Y'all are just jealous as hell that one of us is actually a success in life. And Moron, it's strange to insult someone's boyfriend when you spend your weekends alone. Remind me not to throw Tig a party when he finally makes money, because he wouldn't know a party if it hit him in the face. Have you ever been out on a Friday night, Tig? Well, I guess I'll put $600 that Michigan will avenge last year's loss to Syracuse. $700 says that Miami will wipe the floor with Penn St. The Dolphins will take down Jake the Snake ($500). And I'm not going to make a bet on the Cubs, but I will make the equally obvious wager that Yale football cruises over the Bears ($650). Last Week: +$2,650. Current Balance: $9,400.

David Alt-schuler, Guest

Out with the new, in with old. After the worst single week in the history of Smack, in I come to pick up the pieces. And while Nola "I plaster pictures of Suzyn Waldman in seductive poses all over my bedroom" Breglio uses her Preferred Chase Private Banking Card to pay for her losses, let me offer some bona fide predictions as baseball enters the homestretch. First and foremost, my Mets: a clean sweep of the Phils ($1,500) and a guarantee that Mike raises the home run apple at least twice ($1,000). Second, the Spankees: they'll be scalped twice by the Indians ($1,000) and be forced to endure another temper tantrum by O'Neill ($50). Last, Joey's mom: wait, she's too easy ($0). Last Week: -$3,400. Current balance: $1,600.

David Altschuler was editor-in-chief of The Herald last semester.

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