Jonathan Edwards

On Thurs., Sept. 16, JE was stuck in last place in the Tyng Cup standings, or so it seemed. Just 24 hours later, we had come unstuck and rocketed unfettered into the Top 10, the "elite" among Yale's residential colleges. This was a 16 percent improvement. Simple extrapolation proves that we will reassume our rightful No. 1 rank in no more than 13 calendar days. The rest of you can give up now, for the battle is lost. Just watch. Losers.

Leading the charge is our undefeated women's soccer team. While subduing their gibbering Branfordian teammates, they shut out D-Port, Pierson, Saybrook, and Trumbull. Thanks to captains Sarah MacGregor '02 and Jocelyn Smith '02, as well as goal scorers Jill "Hot" Cohen '03 and Fola Popoola '02.

Following their footsteps (but in the opposite direction) is men's soccer. Playing with more guts than a gastroenterologist, they fought like warrior-poets and won their freedom, losing 0-5 and 1-5. We have no sources on this, but Calhoun and Morse definitely cheated. Thanks to Greg Good-man '00, Dave Fine '00, Miki Kunitake '00, Andrew "Cue" Wong '00, Cap'n Pietro Canetta '01, Kyle Beckham '02, Brenden McEneaney '02, Austen, Dave, and Fritz '03, and William Wallace 1292.

Volleyball's season has progressed upward. Our only uncharted territory is physically harming our opponents, and the wrathful Joyce might have done that this week. Thanks Carolyn Nguyen '00, Sam Stubble-field '00, Captain Joyce Chen '00, Judy Tom '01, Andy Graham '02, and Sarah MacGregor '02.

Football is 0-4 (no evidence, but our opponents probably cheated), but JE's tofu ravioli should soon have us crushing our foes. Ping-pong lost to Morse, who cheated, and tied Calhoun, who obviously cheated. Quod erat demonstratum.

(Compiled by sinners in the hands of an angry dog.)

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