Smack Zone

Smack, smack, smack. I can talk smack, smack people around, and win Smack Zone. Because Pennsylvanians are better at everything, including all types of smack, I'll take Penn State over the Hoosiers ($250), the Steelers over the Seahawks ($100), and the Eagles over the Bills ($100). $100 more says that Joey Ax writes something that he thinks is funny involving Altschuler's mom. I'll tell you why I've been losing lately. I'm the only one that makes bets as risky as a frosh girlie showing up alone at DKE at midnight. I've talked the talk, now the walk will be walked, and once again the honest man will prevail. Last Week: +$0. Current Balance: $601.

Moran

Dammit, Randell—Smack queen again, thanks to no-risk bets on Michigan. Aaron "I masturbate to pictures of LaVar Arrington" Lichtig is, as usual, on the bottom of the Smack heap, and our esteemed guest Joey Ax also finds himself in a bit of a hole. But don't sweat it, Ax, it's the only hole you'll find yourself in anytime soon. I'll challenge Randell for 1st place this week by putting money on the Yanks in the series over Tampa Bay ($900). PSU will continue its streak by rolling over Indiana ($3000), while back in New Haven the Elis will silence Valpo ($500), and men's soccer will send the Crimson home crying ($900). Last week: -$300. Current Balance: $5,350.

Randell

Well, well, who's still in the lead kicking all of your sorry little butts? As current Smack Queen, I declare that you all suck even worse than Joey "I'm so pathetic I have to dream about Dave's mom" Ax. I guarantee ($400) that I will again beat y'all down this week, especially once Michigan smears Wisconsin all over the turf ($650). The Patriots will take the Giants down and prove who New England loves ($450). My beloved Bravos will sweep Montreal ($1,000) and have a five game lead over the Mets before they step into Shea ($300). It's time for da smack gal to show da boyz how it's done, even though Tig seemed to know what to do with Joey's mom last night...Last Week: -$250. Current Balance: $9,150.

Joey Ax

Guest

So I took a break from riding Mrs. Altschuler Airlines (giving new meaning to "upright and locked position") to be the Smack guest, only to find that Nola "God knows how I ever became a sports editor" Breglio and Dave "Joey's my father" Altschuler lost $7,000 in two weeks. As for the sports "editors": Moron, you're blonde. Randell, I'd be winning too if I bet like a scared little woman every week. And Tig, your money is like your dick: small and insignificant. Yale football by two TDs over Valpo ($1,500) and women's soccer over Harvard ($1,200). Louis averages a 76 ($1,000), but his mom scores a 69, if you know what I mean ($50). Finally, give me Robbie over Ryan for two grand, since his girl broke me off a little somethin' somethin'. The King is back, bitch. Last week: -$3,550 Current Balance: -$1,950.

Joey Ax is a managing editor of the Herald.

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