Calhoun

The most feared legion of Calhoun soldiers is undoubtedly the men's football team, led on its crusade for the shirts by "Prester" John Hyman '01. Not far behind, coed football awaits its chance in battle, where captain Aleksandra "the Great of Macedonia" McClain '00 and her horse Bucephalus wreak havoc on the field, blatantly defying the heretofore little-known "no mounted players" rule of football. With a combined 10-2 record between them, these gridiron warriors have achieved nearly mythical status.

The arrival of our soccer teams is no less feared by our opponents. Women's soccer is led by Darcy "I conquered Rome in a couple of" Wiecks '02, and crafty young general Amanda "Hi" Jenks '03. Men's soccer is undefeated, and the regal trio of footmen Alex "Storming the" Kass "le" '03, Nathan "Sword in the" Stoner '00 and Alex "The once and future" King '00 intend to keep it that way.

And to think, all this damage has been done without the aid of weapons. These massacres pale in comparison to those times when Calhoun warriors take up arms in the form of rackets and paddles. The legendary "Thanks, we'll be taking all your" Goldfarbs '00 and '02 keep Calhoun tennis and ping pong enthroned. They are aided by the inexplicably monikered but still frightening Tom "Head, shoulders," Ni"s and toes" '03, and on the courts, Tobin "Father" Abraham '01 helps put the fear of God into the vanquished.

So hide the women, children, and that coveted grail known as the Tyng Cup, because the berserk Calhoun hordes are descending, and they'll be taking fewer prisoners and making more trouble since some Hun named Attila.

(Compiled by She Who Must Be Obeyed.)

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