Calhoun

Our coed footballers—and I mean ballers—strike such fear into the hearts of the opposition that on several occasions they have declined to show up. But hey, is that really an irrational decision when faced with the prospect of battling Captain Alex "Oh, did I make you cry like a little girl? My bad" McClain '00 and Jeffrey "I'd compare myself to Arnold"Schwartz"enegger" '00.

Though comparisons to the 1972 Dolphins have died down, men's football continues to lay the big hurt on several of its puny challengers, thanks to the fearsome combination of Jerad"icalism is my favorite political philosophy" Beltz '00, Dick "No, I'm not in Pink Floyd" Wright '01, Brannan D"eez" Schell '01, and Gregory "I'm about to" Bustamante '00. The end of the season looms for those in desperate need of respite from this unstoppable juggernaut.

Men's soccer marches bravely on without captain and spiritual leader Daniel "Queen" Fleschner '01, who is furiously rehabbing his broken jaw and hopes to come back chewing better than ever. Much firepower remains on the blue side, led by the nimble toes of Chizuruoke "with me if you back that ass up" Chikwendu '01, Dave "Patrick E"Wing "needs to hang 'em up" '02, Alexei "I love it when you call me big" Papaconstantinou '01, and he who fashions himself the Shaddilack '00.

Tennis, led by the truly raw triumvirate of Old Goldfarb '00, Goldfarb, The Return '02, and Tobeeeee '01, has its eyes on a title. Table tennis hasn't fared as well, though not for lack of a superlative effort from Aubrey "I'm at least as tall as Keith" Jennings '01. And whoever knocked over our "Sphere," you can't possibly understand the evil you've unleashed. Be afraid. (Written by what's his name, who got back at you.)

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