Calhoun

Why in the name of God isn't Calhoun No. 1 after the fall campaign, you ask? Well, sh*t happens. Any bunch of teams, even ones as badass as ours, can have a merely average fall season. How else can one explain the collective ineptitude of the rest of Major League Baseball that allowed the "We Shine in the Regular Season" Braves to win the '95 Series? Think about it.

After getting its serve on through the regular season to the tune of a 6-1 clip, the Calhoun tennis dynasty finally fell prey to its injuries and the "New York Jobs Syndrome," succumbing to Saybrook's conniving and altogether humorous captain, 3-4, in the playoffs. Historians will note that the score in contested matches was actually 3-2 for the 'Houn.

The team took the New York Mets as its role model this season. We sat back, getting our drink on and spotting our foes early leads, before rising up and surging back to cap some ass. The supremely talented men's football team almost pulled off another of the sweeps that characterized our regular season, but, like the Mets, ran out of miracles a day or two soon. I guess we had it coming.

Sadly, it's time to retire the numbers of seniors "My" Sharuna Nagwaney, "I" Will "take the ho-hos" Goldfarb, Julie "Bradley defeats" Goran, and Jess "I also have a car" Coifman. Elsewhere, Angela Strom "Of the Century" Weber '03 and Jenny "I have no need for the" Kaplan "tutoring program" '00 continued their furious campaign to teach us chauvinistic bastards that football is not only a men's sport. And when the going got tough against TD, saviors Michael Korn "dog" berg '03 and Evan LePatner '03 swooped in, showing that only an Old Campus experience can breed superior IM players.

Men's soccer's seniors Matt "Shamrock" Shaddock, Tony "I loves me some freshman coochie" Lewis, Jeff Schwartz "Malt Liquor," Steve "Dr." Rosenthal, and Nate "My last name is just a coincidence" Stoner all repeatedly put the ball into a suspended net for Mother Calhoun. We thank them for their 7-1-3 senior season.

Finally, this article's inspiration, John "I loves me some coomba" Hyman '01, showed that watching ESPN all night can really pay off, as his football team did its best Yale vs. Dartmouth impression, putting up 37 touchdowns in five halves of ball. So watch out for the 'Houn this winter. This year our freshmen actually play.

(Compiled by Vilko.)

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