'Leprechauns' not short enough: our TV film crisis

By Aaron Zamost

If entertainment were an Irish pub, then television would be Pabst Blue Ribbon. In response to NBC's embarassing "Television Event of the Year," rogue publisher Golden Books will release Life Isn't Fairy, actor Randy Quaid's diary of the filming of the embarassing made-for-TV movie, The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns. Although the journal is set for a December release, the following selected excerpts chronicle Mr. Quaid's two weeks on the set. In his log, Quaid offers a troubling look at just how awful television has become.

SHAWN CHENG/YH

Day one: I've just been offered the part of a lifetime. I'm set to play Jack Woods, a man who, during a trip to Ireland, winds up in a feud between mythic leprechauns and their nemeses, the fairies. It's called The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns. The tagline: "A forbidden love. An epic battle." Filming starts tomorrow. It can't lose!

Day five: I'm beginning to think that Whoopi Goldberg (the Grand Banshee) might not be Irish. There's something about her—I just can't quite put my finger on it...

Oh, Whoopi. Hollywood Squares was a mistake. Winning an Academy Award doesn't justify making wisecracks in response to contrived questions like "How hot is Uranus?" Whoopi's situation is emblematic of typical celebrity avarice. Today, actors will lend their names to anything as long as it'll earn them a buck. George Foreman sells barbecues. Bob Dole sells Viagra. Integrity has finally taken a backseat to wealth.

Day seven: Production wrapped today. Test-screenings began shortly thereafter. Average viewer grade: D-. Comments included: "gut-wrenching," "poorly acted," and "Isn't that the guy from The Who?" Wait, here's a positive remark: "Great job! Keep up the good work! From, your friends at Keebler." But you want to know what's even more depressing than bad reviews and insulting viewers? It's that The Magical Legend of Leprechauns will probably still win its time slot. Why? It's simple: TV may be stupid, but people are stupider.

Everybody knows that no matter what programs go on the air, America will watch them. The networks think they know what viewers want, so they air their Merlins and their Leprechauns and pray that they'll find an audience. And they do, because nothing else is ever on.

Day nine: This is just great—what a pain in the arse! Release has been delayed indefinitely because the unionized fairies have demanded that we call them "Enchantress-Americans." I can't believe that I'm actually in this movie. What happened to me? My career was booming! Major League 2, Vegas Vacation—those were the days. But now, this: The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns. What does that say about me? What does that say about television? The industry must be running out of ideas. In an age when more people than ever are watching television it's surprising that the networks can't come up with anything new. They spend more time producing "blockbuster events" than they do programming quality shows. So, instead of the traditionally amusing dramas and sitcoms, we get Gulliver's Travels and Mary, Mother of Jesus. Something must be done.

First, eliminate the miniseries and the made-for-TV movie. Perhaps producers' unending preoccupation with special effects will then subside, and they will instead concentrate on character-driven programs devoid of bombs bursting and blue screens. Second, take traditional sitcom formulas and set them aflame. This means no more shows centered around magazine publishers, lawyers, high school kids who use words like "evanescent," or homeboys from outer space. Had we written this in stone five years ago, we never would have seen Suddenly Susan, Family Law, Popular, or naturally, Homeboys from Outer Space. And third, veto all projects that are nothing more than resurrected television shows. That way, we can totally avoid The Facts of Life Reunion and What's Happening?: The Movie.

Broadcasting is in a steady downward spiral and it's up to me to stop it. From this day forward, Randy Quaid will try to make a difference.

Day 10: I've just been offered the part of a lifetime. I'm set to play a Y2K troubleshooter trying to save the world from catastrophic disaster on the eve of the new millennium. It's called Y2K: The Movie. The tagline: "What if they're right?" Shooting starts tomorrow. It can't lose!

Aaron Zamost is a junior in Branford.

Back to Opinion...