Who wants to be a real survivor?

The American judicial system is sitting on a gold mine. Under the current system of capital punishment, only the government possesses the legal right to kill an adult citizen—potentially the ultimate form of reality-based entertainment to viewers everywhere.

We are approaching the final frontier: battles for actual survival. I'm talking about battles to the death. Seem far-fetched? Here's a brief history of what we've discovered so far:

1. Candid Camera. Way back in the '40s Allen Funt entertained millions of viewers by airing embarassing pranåks recorded on hidden cameras. These stunts were performed without the victims' foreknowledge, and, initially, even without their permission.

2. Human aggression. Professional wrestling demonstrates America's fascination with muscular men beating the hell out of each other with metal folding chairs and kendo sticks, but perhaps the no-blood-no-foul contests like American Gladiators are more on task.

3. Death and destruction. From daredevil stunt shows to any of Fox's new lineup of shows beginning with "World's Worst...", television has thrived on American's obsession with death or anything that approaches it. After the 1998 airing of a Kevorkian-assisted suicide on 60 Minutes, analysts swore that we wore a stone's throw away from broadcasting live executions of criminals on death row.

4. Crazy gameshows and "Reality TV." Take your pick: Survivor, Big Brother, The Mole, Chains of Love. All you need nowadays is a crazy contest with a luscious prize to earn youself a quick million.

Put it all together to create this freakish sci-fi nightmare: a desert-island battle for survival where contestants, rather than being voted off the show by a majority, are gradually eliminated by hardbodied gladiators armed to the teeth—all captured by a network camera crew for our viewing entertainment.

In fact, this is precisely the future depicted by Stephen King in 1982 when he wrote a short-story called The Running Man about modern-day televised gladiator competitions. King sets the scene in 2025, which doesn't seem like such a long shot given how far we've come. Maybe not on American soil, but all bets are off for those small Pacific islands.

Not convinced? ABC has already lined up a reality series created by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck called The Runner, in which viewers are responsible for tracking down a fugitive on the run. In a similar vein, Fox has already ordered six episodes of Wanted, a British show which follows teams of runners being hunted by professional bounty hunters and law enforcement officers.

Critics of America's correctional institutions complain that they're costly and poorly run, and many people find capital punishment to be unethical. If the government can sentence criminals to death by lethal injection, why not death by gameshow? Better yet, why not take a cut?

So I've discovered a solution. Offer inmates on death row the option of participating in the industry's latest contest: a battle to the death, where the winner gets his or her sentence reduced to life in prison. A cut of the profits could be given to the families of the victims of the contestants' original crimes. Better yet, they could be appropriated to our state and federal correctional facilities, until they build up a nice endowment that will defray the cost of keeping criminals in there for life, thus eliminating the "practical" argument for capital punishment.

And all it would take is a country comprised of millions of viewers who are mesmerized by violence and willing to watch anything network television executives decide to throw at them. God bless America.

Brian Carp is a senior in Calhoun. Graphic by Erin Lewis.

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