Yalies, all naked, all the time, in big 3-D

Though a Saybrugian Pundit might argue otherwise, Yale has not necessarily reached the climax of public unclothedness. In the interest of penetrating reporting and keeping abreast of the body politic, A&E thrusts its journalistic head into the intercourse of nudity at Yale: past, present, future. Uh...penis.

The past: coed naked posturing

The date: Jan. 21, 1995. The New York Times reported "Nude Photos Are Sealed At Smithsonian." Like the photos cited above, these were ostensibly taken to study posture. The article claimed that various Ivy League freshmen, including those fortunate souls admitted to Yale, were required to pose nude (obviously for crucial reasons). Among those required to pose probably include George W. Bush, DC '68, and Hillary Rodham Clinton, LAW '72. It is not known, however, whether their compromising photos ever made it to the Smithsonian. Who knows? Someone out there may be harboring these national treasures. Please, I urge you, for the love of humanity, keep them away! Please!

Allegedly, the photography of students' frontal and profile `posture' began in the early 1900s "as part of physical education classes, because poise and balance were considered an integral part of health." Subsequently, similar photos were taken by W.H. Sheldon, a researcher who believed in the direct relationship between body shape and intelligence, among other traits. Sheldon's work has long since been dismissed by most as quackery. George L. Vogt, CC '66, director of the South Carolina Department of Archives and History, said that "Mr. Sheldon's written records of his scientific pursuit, however odd, should be saved, but the pics should be burned. Our naked butts are in the Smithsonian," exclaimed Mr. Vogt. "But I cannot understand, nor can I accept, that they would retain naked photographs of living people."

Indeed, who really wants to see Mr. Bush and Mrs. Clinton in their birthday suits? Well, um...upon further inspection, I'm pretty sure that someone could be convinced to take a peek. What do these articles prove about nudity at Yale? Primarily that it has a strong history; secondarily, that we are in need of serious psychiatric help. Is it just me, or does anyone else have a strange urge to be tickled right now? Please, Professor Bloom, you do the honors.

—Steve Mitchell

The present: rally `round the Women's Table!

Wow. Now that she has established a level of awareness from which to judge the ignorant, we may discover why Young believes "Yale is more naked than any other college."

Ross Wachsman, ES '02, discards any sort of high-profile political career by admitting that he has indeed attended a "naked party." He says it is a "sad irony that people assume that if they get naked and drink, the magic begins." In fact, the parties seem to be "asexual and alienating," even "less sexual than the Elizabethan Society, when it convenes." The root of this paradox stems from the fact that often the parties are held mid-winter when everyone is "pasty," "shriveled," and people are better left guessing "the mystery of what could be behind the pants." Remember guys, hard-ons are but for the very brave. Remember girls, guys are real hairy.

What's left? Not much. Jonathan Criss, TD '01, declares that several seniors whip it all out for the Yale-Harvard game, but as for other games and other classes, the sports bra is the greatest show you'll see. Whoo-hoo. Also, there is that crazy, quasi-secret society the Pundits, so secret that they don't do anything except walk though CCL once a year handing out candy. Naked? Yes. Surprising? Barely.

Jon Zalben, PC '03, gives an example of random nakedness. "So I had this friend, right? And, uh, this one time he was standing in the Lanman-Wright courtyard in just boxer shorts, and a kid there got really offended that he was just wearing underwear. He started cursing at him, shouting `Anyone who wears boxer shorts in the middle of the courtyard is crazy!' And so I pulled my boxer shorts down. I mean my friend did. Then he got really mad and cursed more, and finally walked away. Everyone there was laughing at him, not, uh, my friend." Punk rock!

Perhaps the greatest observation on the state of nekkidity at Yale came from Elizabeth Benton, BR '04. "If there were more nudity, then there would be more nudity." Explain, Elizabeth, explain! "So many people want to be naked—they just need an excuse." There is open talk of a Freshman Strip, she said, but no one has stepped up to lead. But, "I think it would be entertaining to see more naked people." The call is there. Will the freshman step up where others have gone soft? Until then, I'll refer to Laura Horak, CC '03. "You want good nudity? Radical feminists and lesbians, duh. Did I mention that our suite is clothing optional? And remember, the Women's Table is always open for business."

—Derek Lomas

The future: fear the worst

I mean, come on, just look at this school. People are naked for no reason all the time. There's Exotic Erotic. There are secret societies that streak and fraternity pledges who run back naked punt returns in the snow. There's the Saybrook Strip—and the former Saybrook Master's house. Yalies are just dying for a chance, any chance, to take their clothes off.

So you want to know what lies ahead for Yale nudity? I'd guess more of the same. As long as Playboy releases a "Girls of the Ivy League" issue (the last one was in 1995), Yale girls will want to get naked, and Yale guys will want to see them naked. As long as there are traditions in which female singing groups slide naked across the Women's Table, Yale girls will want to get naked, and Yale guys will want to see them naked. (There's a pattern developing here.)

But that's right around the corner. What of the distant future? Well, if we're to believe what we read in science fiction novels or see on The Twilight Zone, Yalies in the future will answer to names like Mylar and Kreplach, fly spaceships to class, and eat genetically-engineered vegan shepherd's pie or soylada in pill form. But we'll still wear clothes. Probably the same clothes—namely one unisex, silver-colored, super-shiny, stick-to-your-skin bodysuit—but clothes nonetheless, which will do nothing to cure students' insatiable, horrible desire to take them off.

The only way to prevent future Yalies from taking their clothes off is to take them off for them. If the future of Yale nudity is to be any different from the present, there must exist an environment in which students rebel wildly by putting their clothes back on. Perhaps in 50 to 60 years this will be the case, occasioning a Yale where the Pundits run around CCL wearing three layers of clothing and students rejoice when those ugly Saybrugians actually get dressed after the third quarter. We can only hope.

—Aaron Zamost

Graphics and design by Eugene Wong.

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