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P 'n C puts the 'stick' back in 'drumstick'


A select group of Yalies celebrates the best of an intellectual culture that's slathered in grease.

By Joey Ax

There is a magical place where you can go every week, where the food is always hot, the wine is always flowing, and the pornography is always distasteful. I'm talking about Porn 'n Chicken (P 'n C).

I had received, as I did every week, an e-mail from the mysterious P 'n C, inviting me to this week's Sunday meeting. I arrived a few minutes past 10, excited for another finger-lickin' foray into the wondrous world of Popeye's and porn. This week's main event was Barely Legal, a film produced by the illustrious publishers of the skin mag bearing the same name. In the plot (ha!), Barely Legal asks its readers to write letters describing their first sexual encounter. The film consists of a series of dramatizations starring girls that are, well, barely legal. The crowd at P 'n C was about half what it was in previous weeks—about 16 guys and a single girl had decided to brave the cold and come to P 'n C. As we passed around baskets of fried chicken and soggy biscuits, I sat back and let the high class wash over me:

"Dude, what are you doing?"

"Quantum mechanics."

"Is that a guy?"

"These girls are hot!"

"That penis is as big as her wrist."

"That's a tree stump. That's like the sand monster from Tremors."

"Let's get to the scene where they urinate."

"On each other?"

Onscreen, a young girl was about to have sex with her stepbrother (really) in the back seat of a limo. Things seemed to be progressing nicely until she sat up suddenly and announced, "Stop the car! I have to pee!" The car stopped, and she got out and squatted some feet away. What followed can only be described as a sickening display. "I figured, if I let the girls at school watch, why not my stepbrother?" the girl explained in an interior monologue. "You're turning me on," the stepbrother groaned. The limo driver, wearing dark sunglasses, shook his head in mute disapproval.

Anarchy via pornography?

The leader of P 'n C, the Benevolent/Virtuous Pimp Sweet Jimmy*, showed me a mysterious e-mail from a "Tri-Colored Council" that he had received at the end of last year. The e-mail address had the ending ".to," which means that it was a Tongan address. Tonga is to e-mail what Swiss banks are to finance; you use a Tongan e-mail address if you're really, really serious about covering your tracks.

The e-mail informed Jimmy that he had been selected as someone who, understanding the true meaning of P 'n C, should continue the tradition of "Yale's oldest chicken eatin' club." Accordingly, the Council had set up an online banking account, into which funds were deposited to pay for P 'n C's weekly installments. Jimmy was willing to show me a record of the bank account, to prove its existence. The identity of the e-mailers remains a mystery, and they declined to comment for this article.

"I assume they're Yale grads," Jimmy said. The story that Jimmy and others in P 'n C have told me begins during the GESO strike of the 1996. Several grad students, upset over the Yale Corporation's attitude toward GESO, founded P 'n C as a rather indirect form of protest. Baby Gristle*, another P 'n C leader, said he had heard the same story. "I've also heard, and this is pretty outrageous, that for the past five years they've been engaging in technological, intellectual, financial, and reputational terrorism against Yale with the main goal of damaging the careers of the Yale Corporation—those individuals who hold the purse-strings of Yale's bank account and represent the worst effects of a capitalist society." While this possibility might be a little far-fetched, Gristle did say that there have been some things that he knows for a fact P 'n C was behind, and they're "pretty twisted and fucked up."

According to its current leaders, P 'n C still retains some of that initial rebelliousness. "It's kind of a protest against the intellectual nature of Yale," Jimmy explained. "It's about as anti-Yale as anything you'll find at Yale," Gristle agreed, saying that one of the aspects of P 'n C that makes it so attractive is its "slightly radical, slightly anarchist view of contemporary society that is equal parts Che Guevara, Malcolm X, Timothy Leary, and Ron Jeremy." He added, "Our greatest protest of contemporary society is to sit around and watch skin-flicks for two hours a week. We are not a pre-professional club, we reject the Goldman-Sachs, Lexus-driving, country-club lifestyle. We would rather hang out with Bob Denver and Jenna Jameson."

However, many say this account of P 'n C's history is dubious. According to some, two years ago a group of members of the Class of 1999 had already been conducting weekly meetings of porn-watching and takeout-food-eating for a couple of years in Berkeley, though it didn't officially become P 'n C until they were juniors. According to Kneecaps Shapiro*, the porn was there since the beginning but the chicken wasn't always involved. "It only seemed natural after getting food together to eat it while watching porn," he explained. "Porn seems to go very well with fried chicken. There's something uniquely sexual about a piece of chicken. I strongly advise people not to try other foods. Never watch porn with yogurt. It's impossible to eat." Shapiro denies any connection to grad students or an earlier form of P 'n C.

Several other seniors corroborated this version of P 'n C's origins. "It was a bunch of guys who weren't in any secret societies," one of them, who wished to remain anonymous, said. "We were sitting at dinner coming up with various combinations of words, and came up with Porn 'n Chicken." Another '99 senior, Buck Naked*, said that the whole thing began as a joke, and then someone suggested that they go ahead and do it. "We randomly talked about it in the dining hall for a few weeks, and then we were like, `Let's have a meeting,'" he explained. The first senior also said that Jimmy's chronology of P 'n C is probably about as fake as a pair of porn star breasts. "I would strongly dispute the grad student story," he said. "That's very, very unlikely."

Shapiro claimed he had heard of another porn-and-food organization that had preceded his, also in Berkeley, though he said that it wasn't known as P 'n C. Apparently, there really is something natural about a bunch of Yalies eating crappy food and watching porn, since there may have been as many as three separate incarnations of P 'n C (or some variation) in the last five years.

At least two of these members of the Class of '99 are friends with one of the current P 'n C leaders, leading to speculation as to whether the anonymous e-mails, the bank account, and the secrecy are all part of a vast conspiracy theory, constructed by the Class of '99 and the current seniors to add to the P 'n C mystique. The true story may never be told. In a sense, the history of P 'n C is similar to the plot of a porn movie: it's confusing, goes nowhere, and is a bit beside the point.

The future of fornication

Dallas Everhard* selects the videos for P 'n C each week with an eye toward "providing a meaningful experience for the audience." He started with Cyrano, a heartwarming tale of a man with a penis for a nose. At each screening, Everhard holds the remote control, skipping over boring scenes and making astute observations. During Student Body he pointed out the difference in length of the scenes in modern porn as opposed to those in classic porn films like Debbie Does Dallas, week two's movie. This week he informed us that condoms are now required in all porn movies by law, which was pretty obvious by the extreme close-up on the TV. "To me, porn is the avant garde of film-making," he explained. "These are artists performing on screen—they have different abilities, skills, and talents."

Vagina Johnson* is the only girl to have shown up at every meeting. "The first time I watched porn was with a bunch of guys, and I was embarrassed because I figured they probably all had erections and really wanted to masturbate but couldn't because I was there," she said. "I guess I attend P 'n C for the same reasons guys do: naked girls are hot, sometimes even porn stars are hot, post-porn orgasms are superior, and chicken only gets better with frying."

What does the future hold for P 'n C? Jimmy plans to hold a screening in WLH or LC sometime soon. In addition, P 'n C is planning to shoot its own porno flick in the spring. Advertisements for auditions should be posted around campus within a week. The movie will be called The Staxxx, and will be shot in the Sterling Library stacks. "Everyone is invited to audition: undergrads, TAs, professors, local high school students," Jimmy said. "We're pretty serious about this film. We'd like to have a screening at UPIX." Amid all this activity, P 'n C will continue to hold weekly meetings.

That means more screenings like this week's, where I watched with fascinated revulsion as an 18-year-old girl was having sex with her boyfriend's father when the boyfriend showed up. "Dad, I can't believe you're fucking my fucking girlfriend!" he cried out, hurt. I felt like taking a shower. P 'n C, I decided, is disgusting, degraded, distasteful, and utterly depraved.

I'll see you there next week.

*Names have been changed at the request of the students interviewed.

Graphic by Sarah England.

Logo courtesy of P 'n C.

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