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Sinister resignation plots unearthed

In 1972, five burglars were arrested for breaking into the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate office building in Washington, D.C. What began as a small break-in quickly turned into a political scandal and constitutional crisis that ended with the resignation of a president.

SARAH ENGLAND/YH

Now, University President Richard Levin, GRD '74, is no Richard Nixon, and Morse Master Stanton Wheeler is no John Ehrlichman or H.R. Haldeman—fine, it's a crappy comparison—but there has to be some reason for the recent onslaught of resignations by Yale's residential college Masters and Deans. Wheeler, as well as Berkeley Master Harry Stout, Berkeley Dean Laurence Winnie, Davenport Master Gerald Thomas, and Trumbull Dean Peter Novak, will leave their posts after this academic year. Silliman Master Kelly Brownell resigned last year. Additionally, Davenport Dean Susan Wennemyr resigned this summer, and interim Dean Eileen Hunt will leave at the end of this semester.

"This is not a crisis," Yale College Dean Richard Brodhead, BR '68, GRD '72, said. And he's right. This is not a crisis. It's a conspiracy.

Is anyone else suspicious of this besides me? Am I wrong to think that the resignation of six Yale administrators is indicative of some larger X-Files-like alien colonization cover-up? What exactly is going on here? I can think of only five reasons why Yale Masters and Deans are dropping like acid at a Phish concert.

1. All of them have served long terms, and you obviously can't expect anybody to serve forever.

This is Dean Brodhead's explanation. This is what they want us to think.

2. Yale University was not reaccredited as an institution of higher learning.

Last fall, an evaluation team from the New England Association of Schools and Colleges Commission on Institutions of Higher Education visited Yale in order to determine whether or not the school was actually a university. While the commission confirmed Yale's reaccreditation last March in a mostly positive letter to Levin—the key word here is "mostly"—it did call attention to areas that they believe require improvement. The nine-member committee noted "rather variable levels of morale among the junior faculty at the University" as well as "an insufficient amount of marijuana growing in residential college moats." (Are these problems related?) Whereas one of these issues has been solved, many others have not, and Yale's possible loss of accreditation might have sent those Masters and Deans running to "greener" pastures. I hear that Hampshire College just made some fine additions to their faculty.

3. Brown University illegally recruited them to play for their football team.

In a direct violation of recruiting regulations, the Brown Sports Foundation suggested to prospective faculty members that they might be awarded tenure should they leave Yale for Brown. The Ivy League and the NCAA suspected possible violations upon learning that Brown's promotion system takes equally into account faculty recommendations, time teaching at the university, passing efficiency, sacks, and field goal accuracy. While Brown is the first Ivy League team in any sport to be ineligible for the league crown, the acquisition of preseason All-Americans Wheeler, Thomas, and Novak could mean big things for the Bears 2001 title campaign.

4. Uh, haven't we seen this before?

The Yale administration acknowledged last night that they have been aware of an FBI investigation of every single Yale residential college Master and Dean. Officials declined to comment on the scope of the investigation or reveal who first informed them of possible criminal activity. Among other things confiscated by FBI agents, authorities seized two computers, a bustier, and Playboy's "Children of the Ivy League" issue. Brodhead told an assembly of students Friday night that the three Masters and three Deans are each resigning for personal reasons. "Prying is futile," Brodhead said. "We trust your maturity."

5. They're getting the band back together.

Overheard at a dinner, in the Berkeley Dining Hall:

Stout: "We'll put the band back together, do a few gigs, we get some bread. Bang! Five thousand bucks." Mr. Fabulous: "Come on, seriously you guys."

Stout: "We're putting the band back together."

Mr. Fabulous: "Forget it. No way."

Winnie: "We're on a mission from God."

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