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Berkeley
Obituary: BK table tennis: Though it gave its best shot,
BK table
tennis just couldn't stay alive. It was joined in its final moments by
Regina M. Sieber Esq. '02 and "Rob" Robert Bernheim '02 of Wyld
Stallyns fame. Births: BK cross-country, the offspring of proud
parents Jack "I only finished sixth because I hurt my legs humping
your mom last night" Rubin '02 and Jessica "You know you want to
run behind me" Bulman '02. It arrived in New Haven on Tue., Oct. 24
and was joined by family friends Rob "at least I beat that wanker who
threw up" Bernheim '02, Virginia "There is a Santa Claus"
Boyd '02, Sarah "God save the Queen" England '02, Julia "No
relation to Ben" Franklin '03, Rebecca "Crazylegs" Friedman
'02, Lauren "You know I'm" Gold '03, and Marian "Certainly
not a castaway" Smith '02. Looks like this one is going to be nice
and strong. For sale: One (1) ping-pong table. Used, but you
really can't tell. Call for a price. BK IM Shirts. Vintage! Not getting
much use these days! Call for price. Trumbull's dignity. We stole it
and can't figure out what to do with it. Call for price.
(Compiled by one of the Doobie Brothers. In a van down by the river.)
Branford
As the leaves change season and summer turns to fall, our thoughts
turn to one
thing...screwing. Yes, the Branford Screw is upon us, so you'll
have to pardon all the resultant sexual innuendo. Do you really need
another reason why JE sux? Well, here's one: they didn't show up for
our men's football match-up. So we played with ourselves. Branford's
intrasquad showdown featured big time playa-hatas "My Dvorkin is
bigger than" Joe Dvorkin '03, Nestor "? I hardly even know
her" Rodriguez '02, and Dave Lisson "up bee-atch, it's going
in the" '02 "hole." Rob Quandt "you feel the love
tonight" '02 also made an appearance, as he was too ashamed to ever
play coed again (he threw an interception to a girl).
Offense? Men's soccer don't need no stinkin' offense. Opponents have scored only two goals in six games against goalies Pete Walker "like the dog she is" '03 and Ben Healey "um has two teeny weeny protons" '04. Nevertheless, the goals are still coming, just like [sexual simile goes here]. For scoring, look no further than Ewan "big trouble, Doctah Jones" MacDougall '03, Tony "I'd do Jen" Mendoza '03, Eric "I'd do Jordan's mom" Calloway '02, and Captain "I left with the women because I was" Randy Wolfe '01. (P.S. Hey Silliman: if by "2-1 win over Branford" you mean "1-1 tie"...ya jackass.) See you all Friday night. If you need to find me, I'll be the drunk one.
(Compiled by Master Smith's appendix.)
Calhoun
Last week brought all kinds of action to the IM fields, and
we're not talking
about touchdowns and goals. There were more racy storylines than on an
episode of Days of Our Lives. The drama started when Alex Kass
'03 told Chiz he was unsatisfied in their relationship. Chiz, reacting as
any man would, took this insult to his manhood rather poorly and lashed
out in a hellish rage. This rage once again proved that he has a nice
style. Meanwhile, over on the football fields, one couldn't help notice
two Calhoun captains making eyes at each other between plays. There's
no doubt that John Hyman's '01 thoughts were elsewhere when he threw
a pass to an opponent at close range. Afterwards, he admitted to our
unnamed source that he was thinking about Mackenzie Blumer '03 the
whole time. No wonder John was so excited when Dan Fleschner '01 was
fired as coed captain. And that brings us to our most flirtatious duo,
Tony "The Toneman" Cotto '03 and Toby "The Tobeman"
Abraham '01. After sending sultry e-mails to one another over a period
of days, they finally met Friday afternoon. Needless to say, sparks flew
after they complimented each other on their witty nicknames.
(Compiled by an IM duo who found each other on the fields a long time ago. But are they on the rocks? Tune in next week...)
Ezra Stiles
Our men's soccer team finally didn't lose a game. By tying
Morse, Stiles
knocked the inferior college with no right angles out of sole possession
of first place in the soccer standings. Morse was so disgusted that they
began vomiting all over the field. JE, now tied with Morse, was so excited
that the JE captain gave the Stiles captain a high-five. All in all,
it was quite a day. Then, a week later, our men proved to be as good
at running as they are at kicking people in the stomach. Cross-country
captured first, third, fourth, seventh, and tenth place in the semifinal
race. Looks like another championship for Stiles men. In no surprise,
Stiles only had one girl running, causing Master Fry to once again ask,
"Where my girls at?" In other news, the teams that were winning
last time you read a Stiles IM report are still winning, and the other
teams are still losing. If you want to know more, stop wasting your time
reading the Herald and start playing more IMs.
(Compiled by Timo Perez.)
Jonathan Edwards
Like a one-armed jizz-mopper, JE men's soccer can't get no
respect. Exhibit A:
"Slaveowner John C." Calhoun squared off against
"Goat-f**ker Melvin Q." Trumbull earlier this month in what the
official IM website hailed as a featured soccer game of the week, which
"promises to be a fierce battle between two very good teams."
Exhibit B: an unnamed Morse source said, "A horse is a horse,
of course, of course." His meaning was unclear, but supplementary
Morse sources indicated that he was disrespecting (or `dissing') our team
in anticipation of the upcoming showdown between the only two undefeated
teams for the championship. But they all underestimate us, much like the
trollguy at the gym underestimating just how fugly he really is. Like
the troll, our muscles are bulging and our oncoming visages horrify
opponents. But unlike that unfortunate soul, our feet are fleet, and
we're moderately good-looking. Sweeper Tim Ito '02 handles more balls
than a First Couple after an inauguration. On offense, Brian "Strom
Thurmond" Bergstrom '03, Brenden "Kyle McEneaney, MC '02"
McEneaney '02, and Captain Austen "Shawn Bradley" Moore '03,
our leading scorers, head a balanced offence. There once were 11 men (plus
subs) with golden shoes. They will live forever in our memories. Until
we die. And then they will live no more. Because they will be dead.
(Compiled by due tifosi di calcio.)
Saybrook
You want to know who's hot? Saybrook is hot, baby. We're
operating at
102 degrees and leaving our opponents in a nice, cold sweat (not
to mention the aches and pains). You want hot? How about our coed
football team: 11-0. Perfect, like a piece of Pan Geos tortellini. We
averaged nearly 40 points a game in our 11 victories. Quarterback
"Grotesque" Dave Plattner '01 broke off more big runs than a
wilderness trip that ate the wrong kind of berries. Secondary quarterback
Alice "Water" Liu '01 turned in her biggest game of the year
in our toughest battle, a hard-fought 13-6 win over Stiles. Speedster
Miles "Who says soccer players can't catch?" Haladay '02
and Jon "Gimme the damn ball" Ells '01 gave defenses fits
as they sprinted around the field like chickens on crack whose heads
were just cut off (picture that!). And stellar receivers Phoebe
"Attached to Margaret at the hip" Heffron '04 and Margaret
"Attached to Phoebe at the hip" Hodes '04 scored more points
than most of our opponents. But, 11-0 just speaks for itself. Get
this...our men's football team just polished off a 10-0-1 season. Okay,
so we tied once. In other words, suck it. Captains Brian "How do
the backs of my cleats look?" Vinci '02 and Josh "Yeah, how
do they look, huh?!" Zaharoff '02 led a consistent, stellar squad
to near-perfection. We tied Stiles 6-6 under the cover of darkness,
knotting the game with a huge touchdown grab by Matt "Hey, Tonto,
should we go by the sea or" DeLand '04. The rest of our games,
generally, were blowouts. SnapperDan "GoMetsYeahILoveThe-Mets"
Kelly '03 and receiver/cornerbacks Tim "Eternal" Bliss '04 and
resident fellow Charles "Not only can I calculate the trajectory
of the ball, but I guarantee I'll catch it" Ahn made this team a
powerhouse that few teams even tried to compete with. We'll battle it out
with Stiles once again to see who gets the opportunity to whup Harvard's
"champion." And in keeping with our theme today—"Utter
dominance by Saybrook"—we'd like to tell you the story called
"The Little IM Volleyball Team That Could." We went a measly 3-2
during the regular season. SY turned up the heat and finished the match,
knocked off Branford in the semis, and stunning defending champ Dport in
the final, again under cover of darkness. Carla "More consistent
than a Casio wristwatch" Federman '04, Zheni "When I say she
got injured, I'm not gjoking" Gjoka '04, and Heffron helped bring new
blood into the volleyball ranks. Nick "Everybody" Brown '03 and
Stedy "Taller than your average Sequoia, and more mobile" Garber
'03 dominated the front line, while Liu, Zaharoff, and Josh "Lamp
post" Mukhopadhyay '01 often dug from the back. No one expected it,
but hey, when you're in Saybrook, great things happen. Eat our dust.
(Compiled by several people who will be appearing on a Wheaties box in the near future. Or so we figure, considering their stunning figures.)
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