Fibre of the Brain

Pack your bags: why Gore will lose

It's almost time to book that ticket to Canada. In just four short days, this country will likely elect yet another partially delusional Republican with a funny grin to the White House. For those of you who still can't believe it, just check the fuzzy math. Previously dubbed "swing states" are swinging right over to little Dubya faster than he can say "subliminable," and if you think Florida's still up for grabs, you've been talking to too many Jewish grandmothers. It's all over, folks, and if you're still scratching your head wondering why, here are a few good reasons:

1. The American people are dumb.

Okay, I know it's not PC, but it's a cold, hard, brute fact. There's a reason you got into Yale and most other people didn't. There's a reason George W. got in too, but not all of us had "son of Davenport Phi Beta Kappa baseball star Skull and Bones member successful politician donating lots of money to your school" on our applications. There's also a reason that the majority of people at Yale think George W. is pretty dumb and scary. And that's the same reason that most people in this country think he's a pretty swell guy. People like to elect politicians they can understand, and most people can understand Georgie because there just ain't much to understand. They can understand his speeches because they don't say anything. While Yale's econ and math majors may get into screaming matches over Bush's supposed "wealthiest one percent" tax cut, the rest of the country thinks those two Diet Cokes a month that Gore keeps complaining about sound pretty good. Gore, on the other hand, is too damn smart. He throws around numbers like that annoying know-it-all in your high school math class. Bush is the guy who spent high school math class making farting sounds every time the know-it-all raised his hand. Bush was the president of DKE. Gore was probably studying too hard to ever attend a frat party. 'Nuf said.

2. The American people suffer from short term memory loss.

Gee, that name sounds familiar. Wasn't George Bush that guy we kicked out eight years ago? Well, no. That guy from eight years ago was the smarter, older, more experienced and more qualified George Bush. Of course, most Americans didn't think he was qualified to be president in 1992, but we sure do love his delinquent son. He looks like his dad, he talks like his dad, and read his lips, he sure ain't gonna raise your taxes.

3. No one actually likes Al Gore.

That kiss at the Democratic National Convention was pretty sexy, but Tipper would have had to do a strip tease to generate enough excitement for her husband to last until November. And all that probably would have done is gotten her elected president. Gore may well be as fun-loving and friendly as he keeps trying to tell us he is, but the poor guy is about as appealing as an unlit lamppost. On TV—the only medium that really counts in politics—he looks like an overly made-up hunchback, and he consistently whines as if George W. had just pulled his hair. When he tries to put on his "I deeply care about what you're saying" look, he usually just ends up looking like he has to go to the bathroom. And he is incapable of making an ideological statement that does not come out sounding like a bank statement. Gore is smart and capable, but he's that smart, capable boring guy that everyone runs away from at dinner parties. The only thing he has going for him among his Democratic supporters is that he is not Bush.

4. There are more ex-hippies and ex-hippie wannabes in America than you think.

Ralph Nader eats way too much granola to ever get elected president, but there are still just enough idealistic holdouts rallying in his support to make a difference. Nader is smart, appealing, determined, and he says stuff that's both coherent (unlike Gore) and intelligent (unlike Bush). Most shockingly of all, he actually seems to believe in all that health care, education, and environment crap. I'm as unwavering a cynic as they come, but even I was moved by Nader's speech at Battell Chapel on Wed., Oct. 4. I'm still cynical enough to vote for Gore, but plenty of similarly moved people will not. When Oregon, the tofu and organic food heartland of America, goes to W., Gore will know who to put on his hit list.

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