 | |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
 | |
Branford
Okay, so the question on everyone's mind right now is "What
happened to
Bran-ford?" After one of the best starts for BR in years, the
second half of the season saw the squirrels fall faster than a fat guy
who sat down too fast. What might account for this? Well, midterms,
bad weather, and a broken nose might have had something to do with it,
but every college had to deal with the same problems. We can't blame it
on the freshmen, since they constituted the bulk of our participants in
the second half of the year. People like Ben "All Heart" Healey
'04 and Eleanor "rain, nor sleet, nor snow" Wieschaus '04 led
the freshmen out in droves. The upper classes were well-represented also,
with "Canada" Pete Walker '03 and Joanna "You talkin'
to me?" Manders '01 leading the charge. I guess, in the end, it's
really not important why we fell so fast. What's important is that we
got our shirts, and we have some serious teams for the winter. Our coed
waterpolo team is always a force to be reckoned with. And our hockey
team, well let's just say that we have our fair share of Canadians in
Branford, and now Brian "I might as well be Canadian" Ferrara
'02 is gonna be back. Don't let him do the move. You know, we are not
quite in second any more, but we're only 50 points out, and believe you
me, don't count us out yet. You may or may not live to regret it.
(Compiled by the newly-elected president.)
Calhoun
Deep underground— within a certain suite four floors above,
to be exact—a
Calhoun secession movement that has been brewing for the past few hours
is about to boil over the edge of the cauldron. We can see it now: Calhoun
University, a haven for all scholars to pursue knowledge in the one field
that merits crusades by men and women of all ages from everywhere that's
worth coming from: Bar Fighting. We're running (though not nearly as fast
as Risa Berkower "in my wake" '02 or Becky "I can run twice
as fast as Scotty" Bowman '02) to scan the employment classifieds
in search of people willing to devote their precious time and energy to
the profession of one of the most overlooked fields in American academia
today. Our anonymous masterminds (who, by the way, can't run as fast as
Mackenzie "I have a broken toe but it doesn't hurt"
Blumer '03 and Anh "Wha"T"'s"ruong "with the
rest of '04 IM participation?" '04) have plotted and ployed to bring
you a plethora of academic departments, including Mixology, Systems of
Bar Lighting and Acoustics (SBL&A), Bar Music (a major concerned
with the psychological effects of pop and other musics on intoxicated
individuals and their consequent practical uses—this is independent
of the strictly physical Acoustics portion of SBL&A) and, of course,
Drunken Fighting Methodology. We shall offer bachelor's degrees in each
of our departments, though we will also strictly enforce graduation
requirements such as passing the Slurred Speech Interpretation test
and taking four credits in both the Participator and Spectator academic
groups (I and II, respectively) before finishing up one's studies here at
Calhoun U. We hope to become a recognized institute of (higher) education
in the near future (say, before the winter season starts) so that we may
train a new group of minions to capably defeat all 11 colleges of Yale
University in case we ever happen to get into a bar fight with any of 'em.
(Compiled by that empty King Cobra 40 oz. in the corner.)
Ezra Stiles
Although early reports showed Saybrook in the lead, Ezra Stiles
has not
conceded the Tyng Cup quite yet. Stiles is demanding a recount of the
points, since all evidence would point towards Stiles being in a higher
position than it is. In fact, Stiles finished the season with such a
strong showing in critical swing sports, the Herald changed its
headlines multiple times before deciding that their Tyng Cup predictions
would be held until the spring, when every point has been tallied and
retallied. Those critical victories came on Super Wednesday and Thursday
of last week. The men's cross country team completed its defense of last
year's undefeated season with an even more dominant performance. Ben
Lindy '03 took first place in a landslide, followed by a bitter member
of the Green Party who might have done better had he not paused when he
thought he spotted a marijuana plant in the woods nearby. The tennis
team, unfazed by two close losses in the past two years, turned in an
undefeated season as well. Captains Dan Osnoss '03 and Eliza Park '01
managed a flawless campaign, convincingly winning both the popular vote
and all 70 available Tyng points. The victory caused many Stilesians to
remark, "It's about time, dammit." Finally, the fall season
had to be extended for the men's football team to settle the score with
their rivals in Saybrook. Earlier in the season, the two teams had fought
to a 6-6 tie—the only blemish on either squads' otherwise perfect
records. In the rematch, Stiles left Saybrook wishing they had pulled
out of the race. Stiles equated their performance to that of a Missouri
Senatorial election—the team could've crushed Saybrook even if they
were dead. Fortunately, they were not, and are prepared to take on the
Harvard champion on Friday afternoon.
(Compiled by Bernard Shaw during the 47th consecutive hour of coverage, so forgive him if it doesn't make sense.)
Jonathan Edwards
Found on usatoday.com on Wed., Nov. 8:
"LONDON—Royal Air
Force pilots have long been ridiculed, but remain adamant: fly above a
penguin colony, they say, and the curious birds topple over like dominos
as they stare up at the aircraft. Now, British scientists are traveling
to the Falkland Islands to settle the debate once and for all. British
Antarctic Survey researchers plan to spend one month aboard the HMS
Endurance studying the phenomenon, which Royal Air Force pilots first
recorded during the 1982 Falklands War with Argentina."
Our point? As the snow and the freezing temperatures of the winter IM season roll in, the other 11 colleges (the birds they are) better be prepared to topple—JE's going to be soaring past them all...Oh, and one other thing: after last week's soccer championship, the Morsels thought they were winners—until, of course, they got back on the bus and realized that they were going back to Morse...
(Compiled by a secretary who, for the life of him, couldn't think of an ingenious reference to "flying the bird," and also avoided pointing out that the Royal Air Force pilots, being in Antarctica, were probably flying South.)
Saybrook
Saybrook is really good at everything. In cross country, our
women absolutely
dominated the competition. Led by captain "Fast" Jessie
Rossman '03 and awesome runners Meredith "Speedy" Whipple
'03, "Thelma and" Louise Davis '03, Julia Kardon "of
Eden" '02, Emily "Sex in the" Hurstak "s"
'03, and Katie "1-800" Cole "ect" '03, the 'Brook
women went 10-0 and took home the shirts. Our men weren't too shabby
either. Captain Brian Vinci '02 led the troops to an overall win in the
first race before turning in a subpar second race. Running swiftly were
Dave John-son '04, Bennett Clarke '03, Josh Zaharoff '02, Miles Haladay
'02, and Jay Augsburger '01. Awesome job men. We also ruled the tennis
circuit. Did you say undefeated in our division? Yep, that's
us. Under the leadership of captain "Drop-dead Ugly" David
Plattner '01, we kicked some ass. Our most reliable players were Chantal
"Let me see that" Nong '03, "Bouncy" Alice Liu '01,
Tiffany "Master" Card '04, Jonathan "French" Horn '04,
and Stosh "Let me see that" Min-tek '03. Well done everyone.
How did our other sports do? Well, in case you forgot (or missed our other articles), our football juggernaut (coed and men's) combined to go 21-0-1. We beat Calhoun and tied champion Morse in men's soccer, we won volleyball, we tied for first in golf, we had a fine year in table tennis (oh yeah, we beat Morse in that too), and ours was one of only two colleges with no women's soccer forfeits. I'd say it was a pretty good fall. We're really good.
(Oh yeah, one more thing: Hey Morse, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you. Hey, why not talk some trash when you're in first...)
(Compiled by some cool people who didn't realize you can say "asshole" in an IM blurb until Morse did so last week. A-S-S-H-O-L-E! Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E!...name that tune!)
All materials © 2000 The Yale Herald, Inc., and its staff.
Got any questions, comments, or advice? Email the online editors at
online@yaleherald.com.
Like to join us?