$10B is swell, but can I dance to it?

When it comes to investing money, I am one pathetic loser. My in- vestment strategy, it has become clear to me, is to take whatever piddling amount of money I make, spend most of it on useless crap, and put the rest of it into horrifically overvalued tech stocks that are sure to collapse within weeks of my investment. It's not helping me that the good ol' boy from Texas is refusing to shut his piehole about the nation's "upcoming economic slowdown." Either Dubya is the world's most talented prophet since Teiresias, or he has a personal vendetta against my stock portfolio.

EUGENE WONG / YH

David Swensen, unlike me, is good at investing money. Damn good. So good, in fact, that he deserves the right to take me behind the shed, cut down a switch from the sour apple tree, and lay down a whupping on my sorry ass.

Swensen, Yale's chief investment officer, has increased the University's endowment from $1 billion to $10 billion in a mere 15 years. Thanks to Swensen, Yale can floss like Puffy.

I'm no economist, but it seems to me that $10 billion is a lot of money. During Swensen's remarkable tenure, he has increased Yale's endowment by a daily average of more than $1.6 million. Obviously this is not all liquid cash, but Yale's annual income from its endowment is still staggering. A few hundred thousand dollars would be a drop in the bucket for the Administration. That's how much it would cost to bring the Dave Matthews Band to Yale for Spring Fling this year. And Yale's Administration has given notice that that cost would probably be prohibitive. Excuse me? Something here seems a little amiss.

When I was growing up, my mom used to tell me about all of the incredible musicians that performed at her small liberal arts college. My friends from high school always have stories about the upper-tier bands that have played at their schools—including, of course, Dave Matthews. Yet my school, the one with the nation's second largest endowment, apparently can't afford one.

The Yale College Counsel (YCC) has made great strides in signing more high-profile acts for Spring Fling. A few years ago, the Indigo Girls were the headliners. Watching the Indigo Girls, for me, would almost be a fate worse than death. Wyclef Jean, last year's performer, was a serious improvement. But the YCC cannot continue to bring better acts to campus unless the Administration gives it more than the $40,000 they currently provide.

Just over a month ago, the Yale Daily News intimated that Dave Matthews occasionally appears solo playing acoustic guitar for $50,000. Super. I'm sure he would appear playing the mouth-harp or the triangle for a lot less than that. It wouldn't exactly work for the YCC to beg him to come for less money, either: "Dear Mr. Matthews, You have so much and we have so little. Please come play music for us." To get the quality the students deserve, you've got to pay the man.

But apparently, the administration will not. If we're lucky, maybe they'll spring for '90s glamour band Mr. Big for Spring Fling in this, the University's tercentennial year. Or maybe they'll forget the band and bake us another 300-pound cake.

Another, even more perplexing issue is the YCC's continuing struggle to bring a second performer to campus in the winter. Last year's Roots concert was wildly popular, and yet the YCC apparently lost so much money on it that it is struggling to bring a second-rate comedian here this year. Chris Rock and Adam Sandler routinely perform at college campuses. The YCC, meanwhile, is being forced to search under its couch cushions for loose change to try to snag the comedic stylings of such acts as Damon Wayans (the star of the film Blankman, that pinnacle of hilarity), Tim Meadows (the star of the equally uproarious Ladies' Man), or Kevin Nealon (who was so bad on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update that he was replaced by comic genius Norm McDonald). Nealon, on Weekend Update, used to do a bit called "Subliminal Man." I'll give it a shot: Kevin Nealon is a good (God-awful) comedian who would be welcomed warmly (with blowtorches and burning stakes) by Yale students.

Yale College Dean Richard Brodhead, BR '68, GRD '72, makes some pretty funny jokes in his speeches; perhaps theYCC could convince him to give a one-night only performance for a nice steak dinner and a slap on the back.

It's time for the Administration to step up and bring top-notch performers to this campus. The positive effects for the University of contracting acts like the Dave Matthews Band or Chris Rock would be manifold and far-ranging. Not only would such events raise student morale and spirit immeasurably, they would also afford Yale excellent publicity and make it that much more attractive for prospective enrollees. Plus, they would be damn cool.

Thanks to Swensen, the Administration has the money. Now it's time for them to show it to us.

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