Branford

Then screw you, bitch, because as long as I have to write this thing, you have to read it, dammit. Pretty soon you'll be rid of me anyway, and then next year you'll be able to read about the same stupid people with the same stupid nicknames playing the same stupid sports over and over and over again...only this time they'll be written by some spiky-haired kid and his little Canadian bed buddy. And trust me, you don't want that. So, please just humor me. It's almost time for midterms and I actually have work to do.

This week people swam. So that's what we'll talk about, okay? Here are some swimmers: Mark "If someone shoves two sombreros into Matthew Broderick's butt then there will be two" Hatzenbuehler '01, Josh "You put your" Olken "and you shake it all about" '01, Matt "I am serious...and don't call me" Shirley '03, Daphna "Paul" Shafir "And the CBS orchestra" '04 and Dina "You've got" Ismail '04. I hear they're good.

Other people who swim but require big goofy air-inflated tubes to do so: Jessie "The Body" Gearhart '02, Mike "I" Ambinder '02, Liz "Ah" Chu '04 and Alex "I think I'm special because I'm no longer in the scrub lanes" Galuten '04. I hear they're good too.

A conclusion should go here, which, ideally, would relate back to the introduction and successfully tie this whole article together. But I'm lazy.

(Compiled by Albert R. Broccoli, producer.)

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