Have you heard?

Perhaps you haven't had the time to pay close attention to the sports world the way a true fan should. Maybe you've been sidetracked by President George W. Bush's, DC '68, decision to bomb Iraq. You might have been concentrating on your econ midterm. Or maybe you've been distracted from the real, hardhitting sports news by North Carolina men's hoops' loss to Clemson or Yale's own rise to the top of the Ivy League. Not to worry—as a dedicated, knowledgeable Herald Sports Editor, I am here to bring you all the news, stories behind the stories, and other sportswriting clichés you need to know:

RON ANGLE/NEWSMAKERS Tennis star Anna Kournikova inspired one fan to create virus that crippled computers all over the world.

1. Football coach paddles players

Police officials and school authorities are investigating allegations that a football coach at Detroit's Murray-Wright High School has been beating his players with a paddle for bad grades. One of the team's freshmen—a 6'3", 308-lb. center—complained that the coach brought team members into his office, inspected their report cards, and dealt four whacks for each D and five for each F. The coach defended his actions, claiming that he wanted to teach his team the importance of education; he also pointed out that his own coach employed similar tactics with positive results.

Editor's note: If I were a 300-lb. football player and an old man came after me with a wooden paddle...

2. How many cyclists does it take to change a bulb?

World-famous French cyclist Laurent Jalabert was hospitalized with three broken ribs and will miss at least a month of training. Jalabert, who has over 150 victories in his career and was the number-one cyclist in the world from 1995-97, fell off a ladder while changing a light bulb in his home.

Answer: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to screw it in, and one to run in Lance Armstrong's Tour de France victory.

3. Youth hockey coach fired for not wanting to win

A West Michigan amateur hockey coach was fired after parents and officials learned that he told a goalie to let in goals in order to keep a game at a tie. The coach hoped to avoid a tougher opponent in the league's semifinals. The 13-year-old goalie told reporters that he was confused during the game. "I thought we were supposed to try to win," he said. Moral of the story No. 1: Don't send mixed messages.

Moral of the story No. 2: Don't hire frustrated, middle-aged men who want to live their failed ambitions through your children as youth coaches.

4. ISU favors judges over fans

The International Skating Union (ISU) has come under fire for its decision to not show judges' nationalities under their scores. An ISU spokesman explained in a statement that "nationalities generate emotional reaction and speculation and are not good for the sport." The organization further angered the skating community by claiming that it cannot be held responsible if fans at the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics can't see the competition. The event area is designed, according to the ISU, to give the judges a good view.

Tip from the Pros: If you want to peep under the skaters' skirts, better bring a telescope.

5. Kournikova breaks Australian, U.S. computers

A 20-year-old Dutch computer hacker was arrested last week for spreading a computer virus in an e-mail attachment claiming to contain pictures of tennis star Anna Kournikova. "I really like her and I think she deserves some attention," the man said.

In-depth analysis: Kournikova still can't win a tournament.

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