Departing seniors can issue dumb pardons too

Are you a senior? Feel like you need to do something memorable just before graduating? Ever wanted to be like Bill Clinton, LAW '73? Well, now you can.

As you have no doubt heard, in one of his last acts as president, Clinton granted more than 100 pardons—including one to his own crack-addict brother and another to billionaire Marc Rich, the Democratic fundraiser turned international fugitive wanted on tax evasion, fraud, and racketeering charges. President George W. Bush, DC '68, (to be honest, after a month, it's still quite difficult to say) criticized the decision, eventually sparking a congressional request to the Justice Department to begin collecting documents for an investigation into the former president's end of term pardon shopping spree.

But Clinton both defends and "takes responsibility for" the pardons (Rich's in particular), citing both Justice records and the U.S. Constitution. "[The president] shall have Power to grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offences against the United States," our forefathers wrote, "except in Cases of Impeachment."

Interestingly enough, an amendment to Yale's 1701 charter sounds an awful lot like the aforementioned constitutional decree about the president's ability to grant pardons. It reads, "And each graduating student shall have Power to grant three Reprieves and Pardons for Offences against the University," Elihu Yale wrote, "except in Cases of Child Pornography."

Here now is your chance to burn those final bridges and go out with a bang, just like Brother Bill. Here, my last-minute pardons:

1. Everybody who has ever been on a Yale College Council Spring Fling committee.

Every year students give the YCC a chance to redeem itself for the previous year's Spring Fling monstrosity. But the Indigo Girls in 1998 were no reparation for the 1997 appearance of the Lemonheads, and Rusted Root in 1999 did nothing for those of us who felt violated by the Indigo Girls. Wyclef Jean was a step in the right direction, but with the YCC hinting towards a 2001 Ben Harper Spring Fling, one can't help but think that the musical pulse the YCC has been listening to recently is that of an American studies graduate student.

Did you know that the YCC rejected New York rap trio De La Soul's offer to play the 1998 Spring Fling for a fifth of the cost of the Indigo Girls? Neither did I. Still, the YCC managed to bring the Roots to Woolsey last December, showing that it is sometimes somewhat capable of doing something right. Of course, this pardon is contingent on the signing of a Spring Fling act other than Harper.

2. Hugh Eastwood, ES '00, Schiavone Management, and anyone else who has anything to do with Broadway's redevelopment.

In a Thurs., Sep. 7 letter to the Yale Daily News, Eastwood wrote, "University Properties has always scheduled the opening of Urban Outfitters for Fall 2000, and has never promised a specific date. Fall, as you may know, begins on September 21 and ends on December 21. The reality is that so far we are on schedule and on budget."

Hugh, as you may know, not only is Urban Outfitters not open, but it contributes virtually nothing to Broadway. Neither does Alexia Crawford, the Manhattan-based vendor of women's fashion accessories that will likely move into one of the other unfinished buildings on Broadway. The Broadway redevelopment plan took a wrong turn at Origins and ended up in pseudo-preppy la-la land. Of course, this pardon is contingent on the destruction of Campus Clothing and the erection of a John Harvard's. 3. Frances Brown, BR '02.

Kudos to the Yale junior who uses the words "we're" and "our" while discussing how to write a senior essay. Of course this pardon is contingent on her handing me a written draft of her senior essay by Friday.

So there you have it. Note that I did not pardon the notorious "Yale Four," the group of Orthodox Jewish students who sued the University for requiring them to live in campus housing, which proves that, unlike Clinton, I did not commute the sentences in exchange for votes from the Hasidic Jewish community in Rockland County, New York. Nor did I pardon Barclay and White, Fusco, or Aramark, which also proves that are just some things money can't buy (like decent food).

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