This is one Drim-job you're not gonna like

The Drimmer family has a long, proud tradition of quality, one that stretches across numerous generations and centuries. However, fans of Gary and Candace Drimmer's earlier work—namely 1977's Jennie—will be sorely disappointed by this latest offspring. Standing 5'8" and weighing 150 lbs., Joshua Lee Drimmer, DC '03, is by far the weakest branch on what has hitherto been the noblest of family trees.

Whereas sister Jennie remains a challenging, complex effort, revealing new shades of depth with each meeting, Josh does little to reward multiple encounters. An awkward cobbling-together of disparate, socially repugnant influences, Drimmer's personality resembles nothing so much as a ratty patchwork quilt unworthy for use as a flea-ridden Colobus monkey's jerk rag. Yet, it is cloaked in this repulsive shroud that Josh ventures forth each day from his Davenport home.

Further differentiating him from his popular, well-rounded predecessors, Josh is severely underdeveloped in several key areas. His intellectual shortcomings are immediately apparent upon any attempt to communicate with him. His speech is at best pretentious and jargon-laced, at worst shrill and incomprehensible. In a recent conversation, he peppered his speech with numerous references to "hip-hop," "Old Skool," and "basketball." Apparently Josh fails to realize that this is Yale; his mysterious, nonsensical babble means nothing to us here.

Physically, Drimmer has come under almost constant attack from critics since birth. However, no part of him has caused as much controversy as his undercarriage, which has fiercely divided critical opinion for years. One camp holds that the abnormally small genitalia are a daring genetic innovation and thus laudable, while the other view maintains that the stumpy member is at once tragically comic and repulsive. This reviewer subscribes to the latter opinion, while agreeing with both sides that regardless of the critical stance taken on Josh's penis, it fortuitously makes procreation utterly impossible.

Recently, Josh seriously altered his physical appearance by shaving off the goatee which had long encircled his mouth with curly, dirty-blonde hairs. While critical reaction to his facial growth had varied ("It looked like he'd glued pubic hair to his chin," commented one acquaintance), it is generally agreed that ever since the shaving, Drimmer has taken a turn for the worse. An independent study conducted following his encounter with the razor reveals that his productivity is down 13 percent, he is 74 percent less dynamic, and his approval rating has plummeted to a new low of eight percent. "He looks like a building contractor my father knows," associate Matt Wiegle, MC '00, said. "Once, that guy gave my dad wood so he could build a drawing table for me. Josh, on the other hand, has never done that."

Despite the critical drubbing that Josh has taken since his entry onto the Yale scene, he remains popular with his peers. "I like Josh," maintains cigar-smoker Nathan Littlefield, ES '03. "If I didn't hang out with him there's no way in hell I'd be able to get Cubans." Littlefield speaks with enthusiasm about the coming summer he will spend as Josh's roommate in New York City, pantomiming cigar smoking and shouting "Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Ka-Ching!" Others who take the time to associate with Drimmer point to his wide selection of Mexican tequila, his sizeable MP3 collection, and his stereo system as some of his best personal features.

Bottom line? With Josh Drimmer, it's best to ignore him as a human being, take full advantage of his possessions, and try as hard as possible to get in good with his older, more attractive, and less socially inept sister. Rrrrruff! Happy April Fool's Day! (No, really.)

Back to A&E...