Yale rated, piece by piece

So many things pass by in a day, a week, and a lifetime that A&E can never possibly get around to rating them all. Or can we? The Herald goes EW to try to find out.

THE WEATHER. Brings out all the beautiful people Yale has to offer in less clothing. Yeah, exactly. Rating: *

DAVE SHIRTS. Appearing on runways from Mil-an to New York, blue is in this season as part of the recent "preppy chic" movement. However, the gold military style lettering is so mid-'90s Prada. What would Jesus do? Probably head to Urban Outfitters for some new togs. Rating: **

ANTI-DAVE PEOPLE. Debating hard-core Christians worked with that Bible guy on National Coming Out Day, didn't it? Rating: **

SPRING FLING. Ben Harper will be okay musically, but unfortunately he doesn't hold the same appeal for New Haven residents as did Wyclef Jean in 2000. Man, I really got off on seeing those little kids pushing and shoving each other as they tried to get up against the locked Old Campus gates to see the show. Rating: *

ME. Me good. Me like me lot. You like Me too? Rating: ****

URBAN OUTFITTERS. At least we don't need to travel to New York or Boston to get ripped off on poorly made retro clothing anymore. Rating: *1/2

`YDN' APRIL FOOL'S ISSUE. Aren't people supposed to be fooled by this issue for it to be effective? Then again, the Jesus as Class Day Speaker article may have done a number on these Dave people.     Rating: **

ASS. See "Weather" for rating.

THE BOSTON RED SOX. Hideo Nomo joins three Hall of Famers in pitching no-hitters in both leagues. Nomo is not a Hall of Famer. Nomar Garciaparra is not healthy. The Sox are not a playoff team. Rating: *

ROGER CLEMENS. The strike zone has expanded. Unfortunately, it still doesn't include the chin, skull, or eye sockets. Rating: *1/2

SUNBATHER ON CROSS CAMPUS. Hardly up to the standard set by last spring's appearances. Insufficient bodily exposure and skin lacking its usual leathery luster marred what promised to be a strong performance. We'll have to wait for a few more high-UV days to determine whether she'll return to sunbathing dominance this year. Should she falter, there are more than enough freshman girls eyeing her spot as captain of the University's varsity tanning program. Rating: **

SCHAEFER BEER. Pro: you can buy a 64-pack for the change you find on the Herald floor. Con: You can find stuff that tastes better on the Herald floor. Pro: It will probably quadruple the rating for "Ass."    Rating: ***1/2

THOSE CHOCOLATE DONUTS WITH THE LITTLE THINGS ON TOP OF THEM. Without a doubt, the best food available at Krauszer's. As an added bonus, they aren't soaked with urine.        Rating: ****

BOB DYLAN'S MUSTACHE. Gee, and we thought Vincent Price was dead all these years, you creepy bastard. Rating: *1/2

SPECIAL CLASS DINNERS. Sure, the London Broil contained more than the normal 50 percent beef quota, but why see the members of your own class when chasing freshman tail is so much easier and more satisfying? Rating: ***

THE AMPERSAND. Clearly the best & sexiest & most useful of the punctuation marks. Though the semi-colon is not without its charms either. Rating: ***1/2

GLOWSTICKS. Still the hottest thing on campus, despite the short-lived "19th century foppish English dandy" craze of late January. And they said it wouldn't last. Rating: ****

CUTLER'S RECORDS. Providing Yale with music at grossly inflated, mall-level prices for decades. Still, I keep going back hoping to get my hands on one of those tasty-lookin' little cats that are always running around the place. Rating: **

SECRET SOUNDS. The best damn record store in New—wait, it isn't here anymore. Rating when it existed: ****; Rating now: *1/2

FLAGSTONE PATH. So hard, so well-shaped, so smooth. Baby, we'll take you over brick or cement any day. Rating: ***1/2

SPEECH. Better than hearing and smell, but speech just doesn't offer the opportunities afforded by touch and taste. As far as the five senses go, this one is middle-of-the-road. Rating: **1/2

GOLSON IN HIS UNDIES. I have two words for you kids: tube sock. Rating: *

HEADS. As the cornerstone of the hat industry, indispensible.        Rating: ****

INDIAN FOOD CART BY COMMONS. The carbon monoxide fumes give the chana masala a certain je ne sais quoi. Rating: ***

AU BON PAIN MOCHA BLAST. I hate you, and yet I love you, my sweet, sweet beverage. That Coffee Coolatta's got nothing on you, honey. Rating: ****

THE FIRE MARSHAL. Please stop by my room at your earliest convenience. There are a number of books contained within it that are potential fire hazards should a burning cigarette come into contact with them. Rating: *1/2

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