A Speaker that even Bob Dole could love

BY BEN REITER

BILL GREENBLATT/NEWSMAKERS Prettier, sassier, perkier-Britney can impart me some wisdom, if you know what I mean.

ILIANA BOUZALI/YH

So we've established beyond any reasonable doubt that Hillary should not be allowed to open her mouth on this campus, and, if she is, she should be chased across city lines by pitchfork-brandishing Yale students in pickup trucks. And rightly so.

It has become quite clear that Yale has but one choice for Class Day speaker, a choice that might engender a disapproval rating as low as zero, if my quick survey (and when I say quick, I mean I just polled my roommate) proves accurate. Her name? Ms. Britney Spears.

The reasons that Spears would make a wildly popular choice are even more numerous than the golden bustiers in her closet, but let me highlight a few, limiting myself to the criteria set forth by Mindus and other Hillary opponents.

A Class Day speaker, Mindus suggests, should unify, and not divide, a graduating class. Spears is a very popular individual in today's American cultural landscape; men (and some women) love her, and women (and some men) want to be her. Plus, I'm sure she would gladly lead the class in one last, utterly unifying song. Imagine the glory of thousands singing "Crazy" on Old Campus. Can you see it, Mindus?

A Class Day speaker, Mindus suggests, should not be so politically calculating that he or she won't say controversial things, nor should she "think that half of America is evil" (well put, by the way). Apparently, Mindus is headed for a career in the CIA or as one of those tarot readers on TV, because only people like them could possibly know what someone will say a month from now. Well, Britney doesn't seem to know anything about politics, so she couldn't possibly be calculating in that arena. She does say some controversial things—scholars are to this day pondering the double meaning of "Hit me baby one more time." Additionally, Britney loves everybody. She's also very pretty. Problem solved, Mindus.

A Class Day speaker, Mindus suggests, should "be able to speak more quickly than a pre-recorded phone message and without the pedantry." Anyone who has heard the fast-paced dance number "Stronger," particularly the exhilarating breakdown section, knows well that Britney can indeed speak with great rapidity. And Britney would never be pedantic; she's just nice.

Two days before Mindus's column appeared, the YDN ran an anti-Hillary column by Sarah Maserati ["Hillary does not deserve to give Class Day address" YDN 3/27/01]. It comes as no surprise that Britney satisfies most of Maserati's objections as well.

Maserati rightly points to a Class Day speaker's primary responsibility as being to "impart wisdom" to Yale's graduates. Check out this gem of wisdom, courtesy of Britney's song "Lucky": "She's so lucky/She's a star/But she cries, cries, cries in her lonely heart." The message, of course, is that economic success does not always a happy person make. How's that for wisdom? I'd say it's excellent advice for a group containing as many overachievers as Yale's Class of 2001.

Maserati also argues that Clinton is "a disgrace to women" for being humiliated by her husband and then riding his coattails into political fame. Britney is truly a self-made woman, using only talent, hard work, and a truly wonderful wardrobe to work her way into America's hearts. She's also much more successful than her boyfriend, *NSYNC's Justin Timberlake (I hate you, Timberlake).

Of course, Britney, for all of her worthiness, is not unlike any potential Class Day speaker in that she has a few minor shortcomings. She doesn't satisfy Maserati's demand that the speaker be old, as she's younger than all the graduates. Britney is not a senator from one of the largest states in the Union, nor one of the most politically distinguished graduates of this University, a place where one is supposed to learn to listen to the arguments and beliefs of others and then decide whether or not to agree with them. Britney was not named one of the National Law Journal's 100 Most Influential Lawyers in America in both 1988 and 1991. Britney was not appointed chair of the Legal Services Corporation by Jimmy Carter in 1977, did not serve as chair of the American Bar Association Committee on Women in 1987, and did not ever chair the board of the Children's Defense Fund.

But who cares about that garbage? Hillary's a loser. If you want to sign my petition to replace her with one Ms. Britney Spears, please come to the Berkeley Dining Hall Monday between 12:30 and 12:45 p.m. Together, we can be stronger than yesterday.

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