P'n C masters the 'art' of anal sex

COURTESY AMAZON.COM Recommended reading (stains not included).

The New Haven Porn Rush of early 2001 didn't quite pan out—The StaXXX was so much pyrite, Porn 'n Chicken reburied itself beneath the scum from which it had momentarily glinted—and some accused Yale's would-be smut peddlers of being little more than toothless, horny 49ers, all pillow bark and no bite—or worse, another limp Pundits prank. The load of StaXXX hype had shot through the major media in a glistening arc, only to be prematurely extinguished in the crumpled Kleenex of failure. Was P 'n C finished, shriveled, impotent? Or were the past two quiet months just an extended refraction period? A question for the Herald indeed!

A biscuit-eating-and-projectile-vomiting contest notwithstanding, all non-signs had pointed to the former. That is, until signs appeared on campus bulletin boards, promising a "Master's tea" with Tristan Taormino, the author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, editor of Best Lesbian Erotica, a Village Voice sex columnist—and a real life porn star in the John "Buttman" Stagliano production of The Ultimate Guide, to be screened on Fri., Apr. 6 at 11:59 p.m. P 'n C's first public event! Porn in the flesh and flesh on the bone! And bones of flesh, but they would come later (though not in public, one would hope).

Arriving two minutes early to the "back door entry" of the Baker's Dozen house, this intrepid reporter was greeted only by a creepy old man who looked like a cross between child molester and, well, a college student molester. The latter, at least, he was. "Are you a member of the Porn 'n Chicken club?" he wheedled. "Do you know how I might get in contact with a member of the Baker's Dozen club?" he cajoled. "I'm from the New Haven Register and they won't return my phone calls. Is there an event here tonight? I've been knocking on all the doors for the last hour."

Thankfully, I was saved from the salivating, sublimating fogey by the biscuit-eating-and-projectile-vomiting runner-up. He confided his dearest wish: that an orgy would ensue. I, a reporter through and through and through, withheld judgment in the spirit of objectivity. A moment later, P 'n C, Taormino, and a film crew from Lorne Michaels' prestigious Burly Bear network, followed by a drooling horde, led us up the stairs, porn 'n Popeye's in tow.

Packed in, faces turned raptly toward Taormino and the TV, rears ripe for intimate inspection by the camera lens, the varmints began the eatin'—and the hands, previously sweaty with nervous turpitude, became joyously greasy...just in case. A short man with an assumed name offered a few words by way of introduction, and then Taormino took the floor. "It's three-and-a-half hours. I like to call it the Ben-Hur of anal porn."

Pasty-faced Rumpus hacks, oh-so-ironists, butch lesbians, hooched-up floozies, public perverts—all looked straight ahead. And the film? The film was, like P 'n C itself, an excuse to show mechanical sex under dreadfully pseudo-intellectual auspices. In a wooden, haphazard meta-narrative more worthy of Taormino's Wesleyan degree than of her Thomas Pynchon niecehood, The Ultimate Guide included scenes of Taormino begging Buttman to make the film ("I dunno about this..." "But I really want to make this movie. I've had a whole hand in my ass. I'll do anything...") and of jaded porn stars discussing their "feelings" about anal sex while sitting around a coffee table bejeweled with paraphernalia of assorted shapes, sizes, and textures—before departing the room to demonstrate. Also: rimming, butt plugs, lube, vibrators, dildos, anal beads, and a quite capable fellow named Nacho Vidal. Legs stayed crossed, hands covered crotches, heads remained locked in place—was it pleasure or utter discomfort?

Afterward, her clothes still on, Taormino answered leering questions. Apparently, she had a political message, if a nebulous one: anal sex is good, porn is good—except when they're bad, of course: one must take all pains to avoid badness in anal sex and porn—and her ultimate objective: to raise enough money to go independent and make a movie investigating the finer squirts of female ejaculation. "Huzzah!" said the minions in reply.

The host closed the proceedings, promising a series of teas with other noted industry personalities. The mob filed out with relief, or in search thereof. Definitively then, P 'n C is back for a second go-round, and hoping to last just a little longer than 15 minutes of premature "fame."

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