Star Wars is just a movie (and other truths)

The missile defense system we didn't have in the '80s might have helped win the Cold War, as well as given Bush Sr., DC '48, the economy that helped him lose re-election, but the second coming of Star Wars is likely to be a bigger critical flop than The Phantom Menace. As the Times reports, even if the system is fully functional, it won't be able to strike down the cruder, less accurate missiles likely to be developed by rogue nations such as North Korea and Iraq.

"Less accurate," mind you, only means the difference between wiping out Manhattan as opposed to wiping out Brooklyn, Queens, Long Island, and part of Connecticut.

President G.W. Bush, DC '68, might want to rethink pulling out of the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty in either case. But the money wasted on another non-functional missile defense system means that... *When our retirement comes, we better have saved something...

...because Social Security will be out like the Brooklyn Dodgers by the time we're on walkers. Bush and various Congressional leaders promised they wouldn't dip into Social Security's shrinking surplus, but although baby boomers are starting to collect checks from this depleted fund, it "appears that it's inevitable that we'll dip into the Social Security surplus," according to Robert D. Reischauer of the Urban Institute.

A lot of people who didn't even receive tax refunds (yours truly included) might find themselves ripping tickets and greeting people at Wal-Mart in 50 years. Doesn't it kinda make you wish that "lockbox" guy got elected after all? But speaking of which...

NEWSMAKERS With a sketchy defense system and a rapidly shrinking Social Security surplus, President George W. Bush, DC '68, may not have much to smile about.

*It's not Nader's fault that Bush got elected...well, not completely.

Forget Florida. Let me remind all of you waiting with torches outside of Green Party headquarters that a) Republican organizers created an atmosphere of fear with their Florida rallies, b) the voting system is in need of major overhaul (an issue that is nearly forgotten in Congress), and c) many Nader voters would not have voted for Gore in 2000. They would have sat at home and made hemp clothing. Or something.

OK, Nader is something of an egomaniac, and Gore probably should have won the election (fun fact: he had more votes than Clinton or Reagan in any of their elections). But... *Gore in 2004 should not be automatic.

Though the ink has probably dried on the first batch of "Re-elect Our Real President in 2004" signs, may I remind everyone that this man couldn't carry his home state, cannot tell the truth for more than two consecutive interviews, and couldn't defeat a man who cannot pronounce words of over two syllables. So he's grown a beard. Big Deal.

Bush would do anything for reelection, including growing a Rollie Fingers-style handlebar mustache. If Gore runs again, I'll vote for Nader again. But then again, I'm not planning on moving to a conservative state anytime soon. In other news...

*Shark attacks might not be a real threat, but West Nile will be soon.

Check the CDC reports—West Nile disease has spread south as far as Florida, and the first reported case in New York was a month and a half earlier than last year. It's not a major threat just yet, but hey, we've got yet another reason to hate mosquitoes and pigeons.

In other news ripped from the medical newspaper I worked for, the Patients' Bill of Rights should pass soon, and Soylada, like Soylent Green, is made out of people.

Finally, there's one truth I really can't understand from this summer's news...

*Why is Star Wars Episode II titled Attack of The Clones?

Someone take George Lucas' pen (and Jar Jar Binks' life) before it's too late. Please.

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