Jonathan Edwards

While the pages of history have recorded that Jonathan Edwards was advanced beyond his years in terms of religious and scientific knowledge, his knowledge of bodybuilding and substantial physical prowess have often been over-looked. Yeah, he was jacked.

While Mr. Edwards was up for pumping iron with any of his fellow philosophers, he found his best source of academic and athletic support to be his friend and personal trainer, Brother Bruce Brickhaus. The following is an excerpt from his July 1741 locker room discussion entitled "Volleyball in the Hands of an Angry Spiker":

"...and so the owl says to him, `not bad for a featherweight!' Get it? Bird? Feather? Feather-weight? Anyways, I gots my own thoughts about the future, you know? There will always be this plague of moral inep-, uh, inept-, uh, problems an' issues, but what the world is gonna need is a bunch of female soccer players. And not only are they going to have ocean-like muscles—you know, `ocean', it's like `everywhere'—but they're also gonna have cool names, like Carolina Oster '05, Davina Bankole '05, Genevieve Gonzalez-Turner '03, Anna Dolinsky '03, Sarah MacGregor '03, Laura Feiveson '02, and Lauren Baillie '02. And they's gonna perform marvelous feats like defeating a Berkeley/Calhoun squad 1-0 in the season opener, for instance.

In the future, we's also not gonna have to wear these leggings all up on me like that `t' word you're always saying, `tercentation' or `temptation'—somethin' like that. Like, stockings and calisthenics make for a funny rash, you know? Anyways, you mind grabbing another plate for that side?"

(Brought to you by the editors of A Night Without Armour, a collection of poems by Jewel Kilcher.)

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