How prepubescent pop is ruining this country

BY JONATHAN HARPER

Any pop singer who uses the word "oops" in the chorus of a song should be tarred and feathered, prohibited by Executive Order from producing offspring in order to make future generations safe from the same burden and pain we have all suffered, and forced to watch the Weather Channel for three weeks straight (stopping only for bathroom breaks) as a prelude to living out a lifelong exile on Guam. I was going to say that this person should be forced to attend a Backstreet Boys concert, but that would be too cruel.

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But appallingly, the 13-year-olds of this nation (teens from other nations as well, but most of them don't understand English, so they can't be blamed), in a vast conspiracy of stupidity that has coalesced to threaten American popular culture with near ruin, have instead made Britney Spears a millionaire and a quasi-cultural icon, and by purchasing millions of her albums, they subject us all to unsolicited airings of her songs.

But the madness doesn't stop with the music. Girls also want to look like Britney Spears. Is it just me, or does every American girl in her early teens dress like a Vegas showgirl? (Hey Roxanne, Sting called, he said you don't have to put out the red light.) I'm sure the Pedophile Gym Teachers of America (I believe they're unionized now, hence the capitalization) are loving it, but for those of us who don't enjoy watching the rope-climb quite as much as they do, it's a little disturbing.

I have two rules that should govern tank-top fashion. First, if you're so young that I could get arrested and become the male concubine of Cell Block C for touching you inappropriately, then you shouldn't be wearing tank-tops. Second, if you weigh a deuce-and-a-half, then nobody wants to see your skin anyway—not even the Pedophile Gym Teachers of America. Don't get me wrong; when I enter the hallowed dining halls, I pay homage to my belly. But you don't see me walking around in muscle shirts, so I expect a little reciprocal courtesy with regard to wearing tank-tops.

The male 13-year-olds of this nation are also partly responsible for the success of the aforementioned singer, but in a more indirect way and for an entirely different reason. Thirteen-year-old boys, like their older comrades of the same sex, like to look at large breasts. So even though guys don't necessarily like the music, they watch her videos on MTV, which boosts its ratings, which encourages MTV to continue playing the videos, which in turn gives her more exposure and leads to 13-year-old girls buying her CDs, which makes record companies encourage other teen bands to follow in her footsteps. This is the nature of the malicious spiral.

Look, guys, if you need visual assistance while petting Handsome Dan (no disrespect intended for our beloved mascot), there's something even more shallow, contrived, poorly written, and sexual than Britney Spears' music videos. It's called Cinemax. For my thoughts on Christina Aguilera, see the above paragraphs about Britney Spears.

Speaking of bad teen bands, what about *NSYNC? I guess none of these guys were good enough to suck on their own, so they had to form a group to achieve total sordidness. And some sadistic bastards in Hollywood have decided to give *NSYNC its own movie. I can't wait for that masterpiece to come out. I'm sure Tom Hanks is soiling himself in fear over this threat to his Academy Award dominance. I bet he's thinking, "Sure, I was all right in Big, Apollo 13, Philadelphia, Forrest Gump, and Saving Private Ryan. But these guys, now they're talented."

And yet, *NSYNC's movie will probably reach the top of the box office because every girl without a brain will see it 10 times.

I can only conclude that producers nowadays, prompted by the demands of young teenagers, are primarily concerned with sex appeal rather than musical talent. Guys used to get laid because they were great musicians. Now guys become musicians because they can already get laid. What is that all about? To prove my point, let's look at Mick Jagger. The guy has slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain. But do you think that anyone would let him near a music studio if he were starting out today? Hell no. His face makes little children cry. But if some no-talent teeny boppers come along, they'll get the recording equipment handed right to them. It's more depressing than a Thomas Hardy novel.

The only consolation I can provide is the thought that nearly all of these contemporary bands, unlike their predecessors of 20 and 30 years ago, will not have any staying power. But until they're thrown into the heap of obscurity, I'll keep crying myself to sleep.

Jonathan Harper is a freshman in Morse.

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