Parents' Weekend: Mom meets Miller High Life

If they're anything like my parents, they are also embarrassingly proud of you. (I say the line is crossed when my Yalie status gets brought up in the grocery line with total strangers. My mom says she's just making conversation. Oh, the humanity!) Thus, it is only fitting that they get a whole weekend—Fri., Oct. 12 through Sun., Oct. 14—to come see what Junior is really up to while making all those three-digit bursar charges and being too busy to answer worried parental e-mails and voice mails.

Since puberty, we have been making an art of finding ways to ditch our parents, with tactics like the old "drop me off a block from school" stunt or the clever "let me walk four feet behind you at Disney World" maneuver. For some Yalies, the Parents Weekend visit is no exception, but this time it's not because we are embarrassed of those geeks to whom we bear a (hopefully) slight resemblance. It's because we're just too darn busy.

For this, my junior year, I will finally have the weekend to do work and get all my shiznit together in the disorganizing wake of the event-packed Tercentennial, but this peaceful, parent-free weekend I have ahead of me was not easily achieved. Freshman year, even meeting my woefully arrogant boy-of-the-moment was not enough to scare them off. Of course, last year, the sharing of the new tattoo over dinner at Pad Thai worked like a charm. Permanent body art that you will probably live to regret has amazing parent-repellant properties.

Seriously though, they got over that display of youthful rebellion pretty quickly. It's just that after two years of making the journey to New Haven with a highly disproportionate number of proud, beaming Baby Boomers who line Broadway and crowd the Boola Boola store, they've had their share.

The point I'm trying to make, though, is that this coming weekend is special. It's like Bulldog Days—a bunch of strange faces wandering around aimlessly with their Yalie hosts, terribly excited to be visiting at last—but substitute crusty old people for hot pre-frosh. There is really nothing sweeter than striking up a conversation with an old alum who has been there, done that, and still remembers the bygone days of life at Yale when the drinking age was still 18 and it was all guys (wish I were there!).

If your parents can't make it, it's not the end of the world. Some Yalies are even planning special Parents-Aren't-Coming parties to celebrate. "Some people from the ballroom team are organizing a trip to go swing dancing in North Haven," Mariah Fike, TD '03, says. "That way we can get away from the flock of parents that will be all over the place." Fike adds that she's not too upset her parents can't come. "I'd rather they come another week when they can get a feel for what Yale really is," she said.

Other visitor-free students have planned desserts and movie nights, and there are bound to be a few good parties that your parents won't want to join you for—unless you are my friend, whose parents challenged her boyfriend's mom and dad in beer pong last year. Parents that cool are few and far between.

If your parents are coming, though, you have to appreciate their effort. The very least you can do is amuse them. Luckily, Yale has made that daunting task easier on you by arranging a whole calendar of events your parents will probably enjoy, which you can look at by heading to www.yale.edu/parents. What follows is a guide to some of these events, with special emphasis on their parental amusement potential.

OPEN HOUSES and TOURS—Calm your parents' paranoia by showing them the resources Yale has to help us stay healthy, find jobs, and be generally success-ful in life.

Friday, 11:30 a.m. to 1 p.m.: Yale University Health Services (or DUH, as everyone calls it) will be serving up refreshments and information. Perfect for allaying the fears of the hypochondriac in the family.

Sunday, 10 a.m. to 1 p.m.: Slifka Center and Yale Jewish Parents Association will be hosting an Open House Brunch free of charge—a great opportunity to show the 'rents how beautiful the Center is, and reassure them that your spiritual health is not being neglected while you're away from home.

It's not on the official schedule, but Payne Whitney Gymnasium is a particularly impressive testament to Yale actually spending money on us. If they're curious, take your parents to the Yale-Harvard women's volleyball game at 7 p.m. on Fri., Oct. 12, or the basketball team's midnight practice later that night so they can check it out from the sweaty inside.

DISCUSSION PANELS—These informative panels are a great place for your parents to eagerly raise their hands and, to your horror, ask really embarrassing questions in front of a good number of your fellow students. Cap and dark glasses are optional.

Friday, 3:30 to 4:30 p.m.: A student panel on "Religious and Spiritual Life at Yale" will be held at Battell Chapel ("That's me in the corner/that's me in the spotlight/losing my religion"). You then have 15 minutes to book it to Sheffield-Sterling-Strathcona Hall, Room 114 (that's SSS 114, in English) for a panel discussion on "Yale College Life" moderated by our own Betty Trachtenberg (You mean she's a real person?).

Saturday, 10 to 11:15 p.m.: A faculty panel titled "Education in Yale College" will be held in Woolsey Hall. The moderator is Dean Richard Brodhead, BR '68, GRD '72, whom your parents will surely want to hound afterwards with questions about your chances at Yale Graduate School and your little sister's chance at Yale early admission, so don't miss it!

ARTS—Practically every a cappella group and comedy troupe known to Yale man is having a show this weekend, as well as YSO, Concert Band, and Jazz Ensemble, with all of the performances on Saturday evening (except Shades, which is Friday night). There are too many to possibly list. Personally, my parents most enjoyed seeing the singing group featuring the boy I had been casually mentioning in e-mails for a few weeks (i.e., I was madly in love with) so they could finally match a face to the name. Anyway, make sure you bring your parents to at least one of these shows, because in my experience, they can't get enough of seeing our talented (and cute) classmates in action. Bonus: from 5 to 6 p.m. on Friday, make sure you're near Harkness to hear Yale Guild of Carillonneurs get their bells on.

Also, art museums including the Peabody, British Art Center, and Yale University Art Gallery are giving special tours during the afternoons of all three days. Whether you tour or not, art-loving parents should not pass up a quick trip to the YUAG. The third floor alone makes it worthwhile, even if you only have a few minutes.

INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION—A variety of lectures and panel discussions have been planned for parents who might want to pretend they're listening while their eyes droop and their head falls to their chest, warm spittle running down their chins. Just try and make sure they don't start snoring.

Friday, 2 to 3 p.m., 3:15 to 4:15 p.m.: There will be a handful of lectures to choose from. Some interesting titles include "Language and the Mind" (Dianne Jonas, LC 105) and "Who's Going to Cure Cancer? Explaining Biomedical Research Priorities and Funding" (Michael Koelle, LC 317). Professor Bassam Frangieh will be giving a lecture on Arabic poetry in LC 203 that is sure to be just as much fun as a Saturday night at Toad's.

SPORTS—In addition to volleyball and field hockey games, the can't-miss sporting event this weekend is the Yale-Fordham football game on Saturday. Parents love college football games. Kick-off is at 1 p.m., but the tailgates will be roaring in the IM fields as usual a couple of hours beforehand, and if our infallible (yeah, right) parents have one weakness, it's burgers and beer with the ever-charming members of Yale fraternities. Buses will be leaving from Payne Whitney starting at 11:30.

And finally, last but most certainly not least...

FINE DINING (for real!)—The best part of Parents' Weekend, hands down, is the suspicious jump in quality of the dining hall food. The lettuce is greener, the seafood bisque is creamier, and the meat is actually edible. Saturday night dinner looks particularly promising. This weekend is also a golden opportunity to hit up some of New Haven's yummier but more expensive restaurants—like Hot Tomato's, Bentara, and many more—on Mom and Dad's tab.

So have fun this weekend. Before you know it, it will be Sunday afternoon and you'll finally be left alone, contented and well fed, ready to tackle all the work you would have done in the past few days if Mom and Dad hadn't been here to distract you. How did we ever live with them? Graphic by Andrew Hamilton.

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