Calhoun

These are angry times at the 'Houn. We're mad that our IM ranking was misprinted. We're pissed that our secretaries can't make IM meetings and have to read e-mail summaries. And Tom "No it's not my" Ni "that's busted" '03 is furious that DUH couldn't figure out if he had broken his finger.

Calhoun's soccer team, raging from its early losses, has won four in a row to move into the top four. Strikers Dave "No, you can't be my" Wing-"man" '02, David "This is not a" Friedland-"I rule h"-er-"e" '05, and Santiago "I al"-Most-"scored t"-yn "goals in that game" '04 have baffled opponents with their skills, while stoppers Alex K-"icks your"ass '03, Charles "Don't even try to get by me, l"-Est-"you want to h"-eve-"your lunch"-s '04, and goalie Nick "My goalie gloves a"-Ros-"ome, don't come near me or I'll b"-ic-"h-slap you with 'em" '04 have shut down opponents.

The tennis team is mad, too. Just ask stars Tony "My serve is as big as the vehicle that rhymes with" Cotto '03, Eric "Let me wipe that" Schneid-"smile off your face"-er '03, Josh Lob-"bing is for cowards, I make them eat d"-ert '03, and Adam "Michael Johnson may have gold shoes, but I have a" Goldfarb '02.

In table tennis, co-captains Liz "Why are you sweating? Oh, because of my" Baker "backhand" '04 and "I" Am-"so great you should"-salu-"te me" Dabela '04 have yet to drop a match at first and second singles, while the freshmen four—Miriam Clin-"ching a"-ton "of victories", Liana "Y"-Ep-"I rule"-stein , Dan "Like Genghis, only better at ping-pong" Kahn , and Scott "I am the Holy Mack"-Kroehle—have caused opposing teams to lapse into confusion.

The madness promises to continue as Garren "I don't" Give-"a damn who I'm against, I'll still rack up the wi"-ns '04 has two months of rage to release on the golf course.

(Compiled by two IM secretaries, one furiously rehabbing his finger, the other just plain furious).

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