Davenport

So things have not gone as smoothly as planned in "America's finest courtyard." We have suffered a little in the standings because of dem dang midterms. But we ain't disheartened one iota. I mean, heck, at worst, we are going to tie for the men's soccer title thanks to our stellar undefeated record.

The soccer credit needs to be shared around like herpes in Saybrook. In goal, Sam "The Muzzle" Hendel '03 has only let in three shots all season. At the back, "The brute squad," featuring Pete "Dammit, I'm manly" Shanley '03, Jeff "My right foot is made of" Gold-berg '04, James "Kic-" Kingham "-burgers back a dime a dozen" '03, and Mike "Where the hell is TWiD?" Warner '04 have made other colleges' offenses look like Pierson boys at a Screw—hardly a shot, definitely no scores, and a helluva lot of embarrassing dribbles. They have been ably supported by Conor "The barbarian" Flynn '03, Leo "Puker" Shklovskii '03, and James "I might show up on time once" Soza '05. In the midfield, George "Dang, he's real good" Quraishi '05 has made everyone else's job a lot easier. But there have been many more stars emerging from the midfield: Yusuf "I'm not Yusuke" Samara '05, JP "Speed demon" Christophe '04, Steve "To-" Tully "Awesome" '05, Jon "Humphrey" Sela '04, Matthew "Like mononucleosis could hold me down" Schneider-Mayerson '03, Rodrigo "Leggings" Cerda '05, Jon "This will be your" Swanson "-g" '05, and Jon "Always mentioned" Bettin '04. And up front—well, Steve "not Kevin" Mitchell (wrong sport anyway) '04, Aaron "This ain't football, but this ain't Texas either" Shelley '05, and Dave "Now there's a role model" Auerbach '03 have been effective.

And of course, we must salute Colin, Yusuke, Ewen, and Max. Hopefully, we'll win this title for you seniors. You've lived through the worst of D-port IMs. You deserve to win the title. We'll miss you on the fields...

We finished 7-0-4, and it would've been more. Not to complain, but Calhoun, embarrassment of a college that you are, you play dirty, dirty soccer. And that whining little guy on the sidelines, why don't you just shut up for two seconds?

And, about the standings, D-port IMs will bounce back in the winter. Watch out, ugly people. (Compiled by Michael Owen.)

Back to Intramurals...