Companies cash in on 'new economy' gold

Hey you! Out of a job? Getting chewed up by our sorry economy? Need to make a quick buck or 2,000? Well, you too, as an industrious resident of the capitalist world, can take the easy—albeit disgusting—road to big, big bucks: cash in on tragedy! Major companies are doing it! Entire industries are doing it! Even foreign governments are doing it! Why aren't you?

COURTESY OSAMABINLADEN.COM

Whether it's a pre-existing product or something brand new, you can turn bad times into big bucks in less time than it takes to say Osama pin Laden! Yes, the people behind the instant-bestseller Osama pin Laden voodoo doll, as seen on TV, are a perfect example of how to turn a buck on misfortune by exploiting the one market we always want to reach—people who will buy anything. Though the cute six-inch doll is made to be hanged, pissed on, burnt, and of course, stuck with extra-sharp "patriot pins," this is nothing like, say, supporting torture or furthering an environment of hate. As the creators put it, "This product is intended to be extremely offensive to bin Laden and his supporters. It is not meant to make light of the situation at hand or to attack Muslims or Afghanis in general, though. We want their business too!" If they say it, it must be so, right? And for the stocking-stuffer price of $8.49, the pin Laden doll will surely be flayed on everyone's wall this year. Stick it to him, America!^TM

Fifteen percent of the doll's proceeds go to the Twin Towers fund, leaving a fat profit margin for the founders—but if you want to keep all your money while making even less effort, there's always that grand bastion of junk enterprise: eBay. Why just now, thanks to George Harrison's death, everything from his 45s to last Friday's newspaper is going for top dollar, and it was no different on Sept. 12. Pieces of burnt office paper from the towers, normally valued at nothing, went for $30 and more, depending on the level of ash on such papers. Ground Zero isn't that well-guarded! Grab a piece of history (and by history, of course, we mean moolah!) while you still can!

Governments, you too can get in on the action! From a nation founded by nasty millionaires trying to ship black people off the continent—from the people who brought you the Princess Diana gold coin and the Nolan Ryan silver coin—from the terrible warlords of Liberia, that is—come the new George W. Bush, DC '68, commemorative coins. Yep, that's one questionable democracy commemorating another! Guaranteed to rise in value, if only because the Liberian dollar currently has none. And plus, the money goes to a good cau...oh, wait, it doesn't. Did I also mention the new Statue of Liberty holographic coins? They've got holographs on them!

Yes, the new economy will be a splendid one for people in the new powerhouse industries of coins, burnt stuff, FDNY and NYPD hats, and songs like Dr. Dre's "Kill bin Laden," but what do you do if you're not ready to change your business just yet? Relax! There's an angle for everyone! Remember those annoying DeBeers ads with the shadow figures giving each other gaudy diamond jewelry? Well, the new DeBeers ads have the same shadow people you've known and loved plus something else you know and love waving right in front of them: an American flag! Old motto: "Because you love her more than ever, diamonds are forever." New motto: "now more than ever, diamonds are forever." People, the equation is simple: an added word + an added flag = an added profit!

But for some industries, it's not as easy as a flag and a prayer, or even a flag, a prayer, a few billion dollars of aid, and a few thousand layoffs. When it comes to the travel industry, you have to go one step further and bring in the living flag, none other than the president himself. In a new travel-industry ad titled "American Problems, American Solutions," Mr. Bush himself tells good American folks everywhere to go on vacation for the good of America. Next up: Bush takes the time to explain what this "vacation" thing is to the vast improvished population of America while finally closing a much-anticipated deal with DeBeers.

The terrorists have already won if we don't return to our normal lives, people, so do your part: get out there and sell us more useless products! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a few Paul McCartney 45s I need to "drive the price up" on.

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